


Baby, Take Me Down

by icterine



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, KAT-TUN (Band), NewS (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-14
Updated: 2011-11-14
Packaged: 2017-11-06 18:02:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 33,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/421717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icterine/pseuds/icterine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Falling in love with the love of your best friend’s life is hard.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Baby, Take Me Down

**Author's Note:**

> **Title:** Baby, Take Me Down  
>  **Beta:** Isa [pinkeuphoria1 on Livejournal]  
>  **Pairing:** Pi/Kame, Kame/Jin  
>  **Rating:** NC-17  
>  **Genre:** AU, Angst, Romance, Friendship  
>  **Warnings:** Cheating, sex, threesome and toys.  
>  **Disclaimer:** The characters are not mine, nor are the featured piano pieces [Rob Costlow's "Baby Girl, part 2: Play" and "I Do"]  
>  **Notes:** Written for Livejournal's marlenem as a part of amigo_exchange 2011.  
>  **Word count:** 34,000

While waiting for the pedestrian’s light to turn green, Yamapi peers high up at the clouds soaring across the deep blue sky high above the skyscrapers and city ruckus. He examines the puffy shapes with a hint of a smile while searching for a track fitting for the situation, pressing skip repeatedly – it’s on shuffle. He has enough time to find a sumo wrestler, a lion and a smile before people start pushing past him and he realises that he should probably walk too.

He pushes the iPod back in his jeans’ pocket, shoves his fists inside the pockets of his leather jacket and keeps walking amidst the crowd, heading for his favourite café not too far from his workplace. His heart is hammering in his chest and he finds himself unable to wipe the stupid smile off his face but that’s alright – he’s got time, and it isn’t entirely bad to go there smiling, he’s sure.

He passes by a few blocks of shops, cafés and restaurants before he’s greeted by a familiar print on the window. He takes a deep breath, turns off the music, stores his iPod away in his pocket and pushes the door in. There’s a happy chime of a bell, alerting the workers of a new customer. A familiar young man walks in behind the counter from the door leading to the kitchen. He smirks at Yamapi as he makes his way to the counter.

“The usual?” Kamenashi asks him briskly. Cheese and ham toast with café au lait is what he means. He speaks more politely when his supervisor is around but Yamapi prefers it like this, with a hint of closeness and companionship only showed in the use of language. He smirks back and purses his lips, sighing deep.

“I wonder~” he says, just because, and grins at the young man. His hands are sweating a little in his pocket as he watches Kamenashi cock his eyebrow playfully, accepting the challenge. He feels like basking in the man’s attention, hopefully one day successfully slipping his number to the gorgeous cashier.

“So, I guess your taste buds have finally become numb then,” Kamenashi notes, walking to the glass displays of served cakes, pastries and sandwiches. “I would recommend the ciabatta. It’s got a very full taste and it’s fresh,” he notes with a wave of his hand. “It’s got prosciutto, mozzarella, tomato, basil and vinegar inside.”

“Wow, you really are fluent in gibberish,” Yamapi snorts amusedly. “I don’t really cook much, so,” he admits with a shrug and a grin, attempting to appear swift and exciting himself, enough to catch the man’s eye. Kamenashi takes the bread on a plate and proceeds to the checkout where he starts preparing coffee for him.

“I’ll serve you latte today, is that alright?” he asks Yamapi over his shoulder. His white button up shirt clings nicely to his hips and Yamapi has to fight the instinct to look down to check the man’s rear yet again. He’s got a pretty good one, and Yamapi could swear he’d make a model with the way all kinds of jeans sit on him.

“Hit me with your best shot,” is what Yamapi tries to joke, his voice choking a little with uncertainty. Damn it. Kamenashi laughs nevertheless, shrugging a little.

“That’d be a funnier if I served you espresso. Since it’s strong and served in a smaller glass,” he notes as he walks back with a nice bounce in his steps, aligning Yamapi’s improvised order on the tray with paper napkins and a tiny silver spoon for the latte. Yamapi tries to mumble something agreeing when Kamenashi starts typing down the information of Yamapi’s order.

“I’ll bring you the bill to the table once you’re ready,” Kamenashi promises him, sparing him a quick glance from his typing. “Take your time and enjoy your lunch.” Working mode is back on and Yamapi thanks him, taking the tray in his hand. There’s a chime behind him – another customer. As much as he’d like to just gather his courage and ask Kamenashi to join in he knows he can’t. He might be on a break, but Kamenashi is not.

He takes a seat by the window where he can count the cars driving by and observe the pedestrians. The latte is good, and the ciabatta isn’t exactly bad either. He does end up picking out the thin meat slices, whatever they were called in Kamenashi’s fancy language, but that’s only after he’s halfway through the bread.

Just as he wipes his mouth with one of the napkins the sound of Kamenashi’s boots make their way over and he raises his gaze, hands sweaty again. The man politely puts the bill on the table and winks at him with a knowing smirk, which is unusual and makes Yamapi’s heart thunder – what on earth was that?

“I hope you had a good meal, sir,” Kamenashi says with a collected yet amused voice before turning away and walking back towards the counter. Yamapi’s pretty sure he’s flushed scarlet as he takes the bill in his hand and –

There’s a phone number scribbled on the backside of the bill. Yamapi gulps and quickly puts the money down on the table before gathering his belongings. Kamenashi’s returned somewhere in the backroom, probably about to bring a new cake or breads on the display – they serve everything fresh here. A couple of other customers peer at him curiously as he walks out, digging up his phone from his pocket and saving the number there, just in case he loses the bill.

He’s made progress then and left a good impression. Must be good. He feels like calling Jin and Ryo and telling them everything, asking for help or tips for a possible upcoming date once he gets the time to properly call the given number.

He doesn’t, though – he might as well do that the next time they see each other face to face. They’ve already agreed to go out drinking Friday evening after work. He’ll tell them the juicy details then, if he manages to hold on until that.

He skips past the gates to the nursery school where he works and feels energetic enough to take care of the screaming, fighting, smartass and overly energetic children for the rest of the evening. The world is smiling and his mobile feels hot in the front pocket of his jeans for the entire day, tempting him to take a break and hope to god the number isn’t another joke and that Kamenashi’s got time for him.

\--

He’s leaning out of his window with a smoke in his hand. He’s had his phone in his hand for at least ten minutes already, which he has spent looking at the lit screen with Kamenashi’s name and number written in. He doesn’t know what he should say, but simultaneously he knows exactly what he should say. _Hi, it’s Yamashita here, the man you gave your number to at the café, remember? I was wondering if you wanted to go out with me sometimes._ And it really _is_ that simple.

Actually dialling his number and asking isn’t, though. He closes his eyes and heaves in another lungful of smoke. He releases it in spirals, tasting the bitter taste and examining the burn at the back of his throat.

Kamenashi won’t wait forever, he knows, which is exactly why he should just grow some balls and make the call already. Ryo and Jin would laugh at him and tease him, the mean friends they are. Still, Yamapi knows, Jin would probably be stuck just like him. Hypocrite.

He dials, just because the whole thought is making him feel ridiculous. He holds his breath, wondering if Kamenashi will even pick up. He looks inside to see the clock in the oven – it’s already past nine. He hopes Kamenashi isn’t one of those who crawl to bed early. He’d hate to wake him up.

“Kamenashi Kazuya,” the familiar voice answers according to the etiquette, making Yamapi’s heart jump. He draws in another puff of smoke, and coughs after doing it wrong. Shit, he’s being pathetic. “Who am I talking to?”

“Yamashita,” Yamapi stutters, heart pounding in his ears. “You gave me your number, remember?”

“Ah, you.” The man sounds delighted, which already calms him down a bit. “So, you actually called me. That’s good,” the man chuckles nervously. He’s keeping his voice down a little. Yamapi wonders if he’s alone or with some friends or family.

“Of course I called,” Yamapi insists through pursed lips. Now’s the time for him to spill the beans, too – Kamenashi’s the one receiving the call, so he’s entitled to be the one to ask. He closes his eyes and counts to three, gathering courage. He doesn’t have the time to open his mouth before Kamemashi continues, though.

“Are you busy?” he asks him with a serious but amused voice. Yamapi’s heart skips a beat – now? He’d expected something like this weekend. “I’m busy tomorrow and I’d really like to see you. I can come over, if that’s alright.”

“It… Of course,” Yamapi mutters, trying to clear his head. “I’m busy tomorrow too. I just thought I’d call now. So that you won’t have to wait,” he laughs a bit. Kamenashi’s laughing too at the other end of the line. “So… you want to come over? It’s already nine,” he notes. “I’ve got work tomorrow.”

“Just a quickie,” Kamenashi insists breathlessly. “I want to see you.” When did they get here, at this stage? Yamapi butts the cigarette to the wall and flicks it somewhere down without a care. Kamenashi’s words are arousing and he wonders where this whole thing is going.

“I can text you my address,” he offers. This whole encounter is already thrilling, like a love about to explode in full bloom. He thinks he can even call in sick tomorrow to experience this, if it’s necessary. He feels oddly out of control. “Is that alright?”

“Yes. I have a GPS,” Kamenashi informs him. He sounds eager and on the verge of desperation. Yamapi wonders if he should tidy up a bit. “Text me then, will you? I’ll come over. Is it alright if I won’t bring anything?”

“It’s alright,” Yamapi assures him. “It’s late already. If we feel like something I’ve got… something here,” he tries to mumble nervously, palms sweating as he closes the window and glances around his place anxiously – it’s a bit untidy. “I’ll text you. So… umm… see you soon?”

“See you soon,” Kamenashi assures him before he cuts the call. Yamapi curses and texts his address quickly. After a few seconds there’s a buzz and an _OK_ as an answer, no indication of how long it will take for the man to arrive.

Yamapi decides it’s time to wash the dishes at least, if nothing else. He gets to work, hands shaky as he tries to rush the whole thing in case Kamenashi’s somewhere nearby. Minutes pass, though, and then half an hour. He wonders if he should text the man jokingly to hurry up but he won’t in case the man is driving or something. If it isn’t a joke, he’ll arrive as fast as he can. He shouldn’t push it.

God, he wants to push it. He has time to put the laundry away from his bedroom too, and pile the few books on his table neatly. Time passes infuriatingly slowly. He doesn’t even know what to expect, what an earth Kamenashi would want with a _quickie_ other than possibly kissing and sex. The thought makes him warm up awkwardly.

The sound of a buzzer alerts him back to reality and he rushes over to his door. He presses the button nervously, palms sweaty. He has to get it under control. He’s not _that_ desperate, seriously.

“Yamashita Tomohisa,” he says clearly to the microphone and waits for an answer that arrives almost immediately. His heart skips a beat. It’s thrilling.

“Hi, it’s Kamenashi,” the younger man informs him. He’s trying to sound cheery but fails to hide the awkwardness. It’s probably a good sign that he’s not the only one here who’s nervous. They’ve been eyeing each other long enough already. It’s kind of on the verge of serious. “The door is locked.”

Yamapi presses the key button and hears the loud buzz through the speakers. “Ah,” Kamenashi notes. “Thank you. I’ll be right up.” The connection cuts and the electric rustle silences. Yamapi’s nervous – he doesn’t leave the foyer. It’s quite clean and things are in order so there’s nothing to be embarrassed about, he hopes.

He hopes Kamenashi hurries up. There’s this strong feeling of desire building up that makes him feel quite out of control. It’s all good, though – what would a relationship be without passion? He’s not sure if he wants that. It’s important that it doesn’t stay just as passion, but it’s still an important factor to keep the flames up.

It takes maybe a minute of fidgeting and fixing his hair before the doorbell rings. Yamapi counts slowly to three. He isn’t going to appear like a freak, opening right away. He doesn’t want to scare the young man away.

He sneaks a peek through the peep-hole. Kamenashi looks gorgeous, once again. He should catch him with his casual clothing more often.

Alright. Three. He opens the door with a smirk on his face which Kamenashi mirrors as soon as he sees it. He steps in slowly and temptingly, looking at him from under his short eyelashes. He looks humoured. Perhaps a bit tense but he’s letting his body run on automatic.

Yamapi makes way for him and closes the door once he steps in. Kamenashi removes his boots and sets them by the wall before standing up. His breath is hot against Yamapi’s face and his lips visibly quiver like he wouldn’t be exactly sure why he’s here.

The sexual tension is impossible. Yamapi hawks and steps out of the foyer to lead Kamenashi further inside his apartment. Kamenashi looks around curiously but his eyes seem to always find their way back to him. Yamapi feels constantly evaluated. It isn’t bad though, because Kamenashi’s still here.

“It’s nice you could come,” Yamapi tries to start some small talk, hoping it’ll catch on. Kamenashi’s eyes shift back to him from the bathroom door. “Was the trip okay?”

“Piece of cake,” Kamenashi smirks. “I guess buying the navigator was worth it. It’s difficult to read maps when you’re driving alone.” He’s laughing and Yamapi feels more at ease. He takes in the firm curves of Kamenashi’s muscled body, imagines what it would feel like to press his palms against his skin and keep him close.

“Hmm,” Kamenashi drags on his exhale and jumps to sit on the kitchen table, eyes taking in the surroundings. He’s clad in a pair of black low rise boot-cut jeans with a brown skull belt. The naked skin of his lower abdomen is peaking from under his Rolling Stones t-shirt, making Yamapi bite his lip nervously. He’s swooned beyond belief. “So…”

“So,” Yamapi repeats the word, tasting the syllable that Kamenashi just spoke through his thin yet plump lips. He’s feeling subtly aroused and Kamenashi spreads his legs a little, peering at him seductively from under his messy brown fringe. “So…”

Kamenashi laughs. It chimes in the room but the sound is slightly dull. He licks his lips nervously and his gaze averts. Yamapi starts worrying and gulps, wondering if he should walk closer to Kamenashi or offer him a cool drink or something, perhaps even suggest they go somewhere outside.

“You want it?” Kamenashi asks him sharply, cocking his head a little while he nervously swings his legs back and forth. Yamapi feels flustered as he stares at the man, well aware of the nature of his offer. “I want it,” Kamenashi continues, squeezing the edge of the table with his hands.

“I want it,” Yamapi admits, kind of pleased about the direction they’re taking. Casual and intimate is good and it means that they really do share chemistry which is nice to figure out already at the very beginning. Kamenashi’s throwing his head back a little invitingly, his lips parted and chest rising heavily. “Now?” Yamapi decides to confirm and Kamenashi nods as an answer, giving him a predatory glare. He looks like he’s decided on having something, and he’s going to push his way through no matter what it takes. “Okay then,” Yamapi chuckles nervously and walks closer, lets Kamenashi sink his stubby fingers in his hair and pull him closer. Their breaths softly echo between them and Yamapi smirks, tilting his head a little.

Kamenashi’s eyelids fall closed and he exhales heavily as he wraps his legs suggestively around Yamapi. Their noses bump and lips collide, soft skin pressing against the certain harshness. Yamapi parts his lips a little and Kamenashi deepens the kiss, his tongue first swiftly licking Yamapi’s lips and teeth before reaching out for his tongue. There’s a tremble, _no_ , two – both of their bodies are vibrating in unison as Kamenashi’s eyes crack open a little again and he sucks in some of the saliva with a wet sound, withdrawing his tongue. His breath tickles Yamapi’s lips and dries them a little, forcing him to lick them before catching Kamenashi’s lower lip between his teeth and pulling before sucking on it, running his palms up the other man’s muscular back.

One of Kamenashi’s hands remains tugging on Yamapi’s hair, the heel of the man’s palm digging to his nape. The other hand, however, is travelling downwards on Yamapi’s chest, lifting his shirt up a little and dipping the index finger in the belly button while the thumb rubs a circle lower on the skin where Yamapi feels some hair standing on edge just above the brim of his boxers.

Yamapi exhales deeply and brushes Kamenashi’s earlobe with his lips. The man grinds up against him and seems to lure him closer. He gulps and finds his lips again, feeling Kamenashi fumbling with his belt. He pulls it out of the loops and drops it to the floor with a thud, eyes clouded with lust.

Yamapi slips his fingers down and into his pants, causing the man to arch and breathe heavier. Kamenashi’s legs are parted and his whole body is screaming for Yamapi to just get closer and ravish him because it’s exactly what he’s made for. He lets his fingers sink in the soft flesh of the man’s muscular buttocks as he moans to the kiss eagerly, deeply sunk in Kamenashi’s mouth who’s breathing through his nose and making choking noises, saliva running down to his chin.

When he pulls away Kamenashi’s already gotten his pants pooled down to his knees. The look in his eyes is dark and lusty, almost predatory as he pulls his own t-shirt off, revealing his toned chest and tiny pink nipples. Yamapi brushes them swiftly with his thumbs and smooches the man’s lips again. Their breaths are getting ragged and noisy and he’s so aroused he doesn’t feel like playing around with this.

“Bedroom?” Kamenashi gasps, his palms brushing Yamapi’s nape and shoulders seductively. Yamapi lets out a shaky laugh and withdraws, pulling Kamenashi along. The man lands down from the table on his feet and watches him, not really breaking into a smile but looking kind of wondrous.

It’s the start of a good romance, Yamapi thinks contently as he kicks his jeans off and leads Kamenashi to the bedroom. He pulls his own shirt off and hears the rustle of Kamenashi’s jeans and briefs simultaneously falling to the ground. The man discards his socks as well before pushing Yamapi to sit on the bed.

“Nasty…” Yamapi teases him with a thick murmur and catches his lips for another hasty kiss. He circles his arms around the man’s back and feels him crawling on his lap, eyes closed and cheeks flushed. Yamapi gropes his ass and grits his teeth together, enjoying the feel of their crotches pressing together. Kamenashi’s hands snake around his shoulders to first circle over his shoulder blades, fingers barely touching. Then he attacks Yamapi’s neck with soft kisses and withdraws his hands to get them to his back where he takes in the feel of firm muscles.

Somehow the dominance from the situation slips to Kamenashi. He’s pushed flat on his chest to the mattress as Kamenashi rubs infuriatingly teasing but _oh so good_ circles to his neck, fingers sinking to his hair and tugging a little. His crotch is pressing hotly against Yamapi’s buttocks and he’s successfully making Yamapi writhe like he wouldn’t have had sex in months.

Kamenashi yanks his boxers roughly to his knees and Yamapi gulps. He hasn’t been on this side of a homosexual intercourse in quite a while and even though he knows it can be good, it makes him nervous and fidgety every time. He tries to reach for his nightstand cupboard to hand some lube over to Kamenashi but the man doesn’t notice his failed attempt as he’s on his knees, kissing his way down the curve of Yamapi’s back towards his buttocks which he spreads slightly with his hands.

He’s good. He’s really working, searching for the spots that make it good for him. The man moans a little as he kisses his sack. Yamapi parts his legs more to give him better access under his legs. A hand caresses his awakening erection back and forth for a few times before it lets go and Yamapi groans in frustration, aching for contact.

Kamenashi presses his own awakening erection against his buttocks and leans over him, pushing him down on his elbows. His body is hot and moist as he presses a languid kiss between Yamapi’s shoulder blades. He’s rocking his hips and Yamapi feels himself growing more and more aroused. There’s a sensitive spot in his shoulder which Kamenashi discovers with his fingers. His breathing is heavy and ragged behind him and face perfectly out of his sight. It’s amazing how he manages to be so infuriatingly desirable even when he isn’t visible. There’s just something about his body language.

Kamenashi withdraws again shakily. Yamapi looks back, sees him stroking himself to firm his erection more for the act. He sits on the bed and turns around to sink his fingers in Kamenashi’s hair, running them up his nape. He pulls the man closer and keeps him at a distance where they can barely kiss if they really push it, which Kamenashi does. It’s working on him like magic as their tongues touch out of their mouths. Kamenashi’s eyes are half lidded as he stares into Yamapi’s.

“Fuck,” the man curses, out of breath. Yamapi moves to kiss his shoulders all over, one hand resting firmly on the man’s thigh as the other one moves on his shaft. He strokes the tip with his thumb and takes in its shape before pulling on the skin, making Kamenashi wince erotically. “Shit,” the man continues and gasps, observing Yamapi as he runs his hands down his sides and gets on his knees on the mattress to kneel down towards his crotch. He’s starting to stand very proudly as Yamapi takes the tip in his mouth and wets it, hands returning to stroke the base. “Deeper,” Kamenashi gasps his request. His hips are shaky and stomach quivers as Yamapi follows the order, drawing back to take a breath before sinking down as low as he can handle.

Kamenashi’s whole body trembles and his back arches backwards. He’s supporting himself with his hands as Yamapi sucks and licks, bopping up and down. There’s a whimper and a moan and Kamenashi’s throwing his head back as he increases the speed of the motion.

He removes himself before Kamenashi can come, though, leaving the man hanging. He’s out of it now, so filled with need he doesn’t seem to be able to think anything else but what he desperately needs. He turns Yamapi around again and positions him on his knees in front of him. Yamapi’s breathing heavily, making encouraging sounds whenever Kamenashi’s hand brushes him somewhere.

“Lube and condoms are there,” he notes breathlessly, pointing at the drawer. Kamenashi leaves him to go through it with shaky hands. There’s rustling and then he withdraws his hand, having picked up the proper props for the intercourse.

There’s a sound of unwrapping plastic, sharp and intrusive. Yamapi presses his forehead against the mattress, mentally preparing himself for what’s to come. A squirting sound – oh yeah, he’s supposed to buy more of that stuff since it’s already running out. The lube feels cold against his flushed skin as Kamenashi spreads it helpfully, dipping one finger in and twisting it to rub him from the inside. He swallows harshly but it isn’t bad – there’s enough lube and Kamenashi’s finger feels experienced, determined to make him feel good.

Another finger prods the rim of muscles and pushes in. Kamenashi’s other hand is on his cock, fisting it to keep the heat up. Yamapi turns his head so that his cheek lies on the pillow. His back is curved, the muscles flexed as his upper chest rests and takes in the ministrations. Kamenashi’s fingers are scissoring him and then there’s a third finger to help out, make sure the task won’t be impossible. It shouldn’t be – Yamapi has to admit in his head that he’s had bigger, but it’s not the point here and Kamenashi’s seriously got nothing to worry about.

Kamenashi removes his fingers and spreads his buttocks, one-handed. His other hand guides his member in while Yamapi holds his breath, feels the slick slide that fills him deep. Kamenashi’s hips press against the relaxed muscles of his ass and he rocks a little, testing out the lubrication. It’s good, doesn’t hurt much, Kamenashi’s stretched him properly.

It’s not exactly a loving and devouring act. Kamenashi’s fingers are clenching his hips as he rams inside him harshly. Yamapi groans loudly with his eyes closed, taking it all in. Kamenashi quickly finds the right angles and speeds, he slows down just at the right spot and jerks his hips to push deeper in.

Yamapi reaches his hand down to fist his erection. He doesn’t go with the rhythm, doesn’t care about the rhythm, desperate for more. He turns his head to see Kamenashi – his lips are parted and eyes half-lidded as he moves his hips. He’s dripping sweat and his hair is starting to stick to his skin.

“Hnngh,” Yamapi moans and pushes back to Kamenashi, starting to feel his orgasm building up quickly. The world around him is dissolving fast as he loses it to the feeling of harsh intimacy. He finishes with a cry and breathes heavily with his forehead pressed against the pillow. Kamenashi whimpers softly before pulling out and taking support of his lower back with his hands, panting heavily.

Yamapi rolls over and watches as Kamenashi removes the plastic condom from his softening member. He wipes himself clean to Yamapi’s sheets and Yamapi helpfully points the bin to him. Kamenashi doesn’t bother getting off the bed as he flicks the dirtied plastic successfully in. The wrappers are lost somewhere in the bundle of sheets. Neither of them seems too eager to look for them, though, so Yamapi decides to only wipe his own stomach clean before pulling Kamenashi close for another kiss. He brushes the man’s fringe back to reveal his thin eyebrows and lusty eyes.

“That was a good quickie,” he notes amusedly as Kamenashi sits on his lap and kisses his neck, still slightly out of breath. He guides Kamenashi back to his lips and sucks on them weakly, enjoying the physical closeness. Kamenashi feels good when he’s got his arms wrapped around him.

“Can I stay the night?” Kamenashi asks him between the short kisses. “Just tonight,” he adds, fingers snaking themselves under Yamapi’s nape. He feels comfortable, warm and fuzzy. Their chemistry sure is working. He likes it better like this.

“Stay,” he agrees and Kamenashi rolls over to lie beside him. “Do you have work tomorrow?” he questions him and Kamenashi nods, closing his eyes tiredly. “When are you waking up? My alarm rings at six thirty.”

“I’ll wake up on my own,” Kamenashi yawns and stretches before scratching his lower abdomen and sinking better to the sheets. “I’ve got a good biological clock,” he explains and cracks one eye open to look at Yamapi. “I haven’t had an alarm in a few years. Never woke up late.”

“Alright then,” Yamapi sighs and wraps his arms around the other man, pulling him against his chest. His heart is drumming nervously again but everything is going smoothly – he shouldn’t worry so much, not when they’re obviously hitting it off well. Kamenashi buries his face in his chest. The flutter of his eyelashes tickles his skin.

“Good night,” Yamapi finally whispers, one arm above Kamenashi’s head and one curled around his mid-body. “Rest well.” There’s a muffled sound, probably Kamenashi’s answer. It makes him smile a little. He’s falling hard and fast, nearing the clouds of euphoria as he slowly drifts off.

When his alarm rings, Kamenashi is already gone. Yamapi can’t resist texting him quickly to wish him a good day at work with a wink before getting to his morning chores. He’s so dosed up on hormones he’s sure to get all giddy with the children at work. Not a bad way to start the day at all.

\--

Friday evening is all good, even though Kamenashi is constantly in his mind, confusing him. He’s on his second pint of beer and the sensation of tipsiness is gently buzzing through his veins. Ryo’s starting to notice the slim girl at the next table and is looking quite distracted while Jin fidgets on his seat nervously, checking his wristwatch.

“He’s just a bit late, missed the metro,” he mumbles, his mojito sitting on the table untouched. His new boyfriend is what he means, the one he announced he has a couple of days before, asking if he can bring him over to introduce him. “He says he’s sorry he’s late,” he informs them too, skimming through a text on his mobile. “Try not to bring it up too much, will you? He’s pretty strained about it already, he really wants to leave a good impression…”

“We don’t mind, we’re not going anywhere,” Ryo sighs, starting to cease being amused by Jin’s blabbering and instead growing annoyed. “He’ll get here so chill out. It’s not like we’re always on schedule either. Public transportation can be shitty sometimes.”

“We really don’t mind,” Yamapi agrees, and he doesn’t. He’s curious about Jin’s new date because Jin really hasn’t talked that much about him and it’s been quite a while since he’s announced any relations with a man, even though he’s openly bisexual. He has a feeling nothing can ruin his good mood, though – he’s got Kamenashi’s phone number and he’s wondering if he should call him tonight or tomorrow again, ask if his Friday evening was pleasant. He didn’t make it to the café during lunch tonight because a kid got sick at work. He hopes Kamenashi isn’t thinking he’s rejecting him already. He has to make sure he isn’t.

“Aren’t you chirpy today,” Ryo notes, trying to switch the topic to anything but the late arrival of Jin’s date. “What’s up with you?”

Yamapi’s cheeks heat up a little as he takes another gulp, trying to keep his delight to himself. He’s caught the attention of his friends now, though, and they’re starting to grin knowingly. “Ooh, is this about the café boy?” Jin picks up the teasing immediately, knowing the story way too well already. “Did you go and confess?”

“Not exactly…” Yamapi shrugs nervously and sets his beer down, trying to look chill and cool and worthy of a gorgeous man. He might be failing miserably, though. It’s hard to stay cool when you’re about to burst. “He just sort of walked over and gave me his number written on the bill.”

“Smooth,” Ryo whistles. “He beat you to it, then. You probably weren’t very discreet with your staring.”

“Shut up,” Yamapi mumbles and hides behind his beer again, heart thumping. The teasing is good-hearted, though, and he doesn’t mind because he _does_ have Kamenashi’s number now. He’s not just wailing about a crush, he’s actually gotten his crush this time. Life couldn’t be any better.

He’s just about to open his mouth to continue his story before he gets interrupted by Jin stretching his neck to see better to the door, stealing the attention. Ryo’s curiously checking it too. Yamapi feels neglected and mistreated.

“Oh, he’s here,” Jin notes, quickly dropping the lime he’d been eating to his cocktail glass and waving his hand in invitation. “About time,” he tries to laugh nervously as he grins at his friends. Yamapi turns on his seat to see the approaching figure pushing through the crowd. The piano plays to the sound of his footsteps.

He feels his stomach sinking, though, as he identifies the figure. The ripped denim clings comfortably to the young man’s hips and his black V-neck has a slimming cut. The endless bracelets with colourful wooden pearls climb up his forearms and his eyebrows raise a little as he stares at Yamapi. He looks a little pale and Yamapi has a feeling it isn’t the light. Not really.

“This is Kame,” Jin mumbles and motions awkwardly at Kamenashi with his hand and suddenly the piece locks into place – _Kame_ as in _Kamenashi_. He had failed to make that connection before, hadn’t expected Kame to be… Kamenashi.

They’ve been dating for quite a while now, for all Yamapi knows. He knows just a bit more too. Something he’s had a part in without fully acknowledging the situation.

Kamenashi has cheated. Jin’s boyfriend isn’t faithful.

“Nice to meet you. Finally,” Kamenashi snorts and ruffles Jin’s hair a little before pulling himself a chair next to his boyfriend. Yamapi notices that he hasn’t turned his eyes away for too long and Jin is starting to narrow his eyes suspiciously, disliking his staring. Shit, Jin is possessive. He’s fucking screwed. His cries of ‘But I didn’t know!’ are sure to ring to deaf ears if his friends ever finds out about last night.

“Hello,” Ryo greets Kamenashi with a smirk and hands the drink menu over to him. “I’ll pay for the first one, pick anything you like. It’s about time we finally got to see you. Jin’s been hiding you from us.”

“He has now, huh,” Kamenashi notes and gives Jin a serious look Yamapi can’t read. Jin’s lips tighten and there’s something stiff and uncomfortable for a moment even after Kamenashi breaks the eye contact and opens the menu, keeping his face visible to them. “I’ll have a strawberry daiquiri. If that’s alright.”

“That’s Ryo,” Jin finally realises to introduce his friends. “Nishikido Ryo. And that there is Pi. I’ve talked about them.”

“Yeah, I recall,” Kamenashi nods understandingly, his eyes snapping back at Yamapi. They’re narrowed, calculating, even accusing. Yamapi gulps and takes a sip of his drink to hide his silence. “Pi, huh?”

“Yamashita Tomohisa,” Yamapi coughs a bit, just in case Kamenashi thinks he’s swindled him somehow. He wipes the droplets of his beer from around his mouth with the back of his hand, heart hammering like the doom day would be near. “People call me Pi or Yamapi. It’s because of an incident in elementary school. With pink costumes. You know.”

Kamenashi blinks, connecting the dots – they’ve both failed to recognize each other because all the information they’d previously had about each other from Jin was a nickname. So Kamenashi didn’t _intentionally_ swoon one of his boyfriend’s best friends then, huh. He looks like he’s as stiff and as nervous as Yamapi, only better at hiding it.

Jin throws his hand over Kamenashi’s shoulders possessively, bringing him closer to himself with a pat on the shoulder and a nervous grin. “You’re nervous,” he notes and Kamenashi laughs, making a face and pouting.

“It’s the first time I’m meeting them,” Kamenashi tries to justify his apparently odd behaviour. “You’ve been keeping me from them for quite a while, can’t I be a bit nervous? Give me a few minutes, I’ll get it together,” he laughs and glances at Ryo and Yamapi in humoured apology. “I’m not that much of a girl.”

“Yamapi, will you go and order that daiquiri for Kame?” Ryo suggests with a dismissive throw of his wallet to his friend who barely catches it. “Since I’m paying for it. So, Kame… How long _on earth_ have you bothered with this idiot?”

There’s an offended cry of “Hey!” and an unison of laughter as Yamapi stands up, eager to get away for a moment to clear his head and get himself back together. He’s already mumbled his excuse and started walking away from the table when Kamenashi answers to Ryo’s question, voice fading with every step away from him – “Officially for four months. Unofficially… on and off for… how many years? Eight?”

“Damn it,” Yamapi mumbles as the voices fade. He glances back at the stage – a young but hopeful guitarist is getting booed down from the stage. His voice is cracking under the pressure, and he doesn’t look older than twenty-one. Yamapi swallows the lump in his throat and shakes his head a little, heading towards the bar counter, smiling politely at the barista just pouring a tall glass of beer for a middle-aged man in a suit.

“Good evening,” she greets him as she finally manages to make her way over to him. Yamapi greets her back, the courteous man he is, and places his order for Kamenashi’s drink. He sinks back into his thoughts again, glancing at the table barely visible from amidst the masses of people, sees Jin watch Kamenashi intently while Kamenashi’s hand rests somewhere beyond his vision, probably on Jin’s thigh.

There it goes again. His adoration for someone, all for nothing. He sighs as the daiquiri arrives and digs for money in Ryo’s pocket, finally realising its contents cover barely half of the price – that jerk, he definitely did it on purpose. He digs out his own wallet from his pocket and pays for the rest, thanks the barista with an appreciative smile and starts heading back.

Well, it’s over then. His promising start of a blooming romance is gone. That’s about it. It happens. He’s wasted his time once again, wasted months and months sitting in the café just to watch the man from afar, see him smile, laugh, converse with people and throw out difficult customers. He grimaces at the now painful memories as he makes his way back and sets the glass on the table absently before crashing back to his chair.

“Aren’t you looking sour,” Jin notes with a humoured laughter. Kamenashi leans forward to grab his drink from the table. His “thank you” gets lost somewhere with Jin’s attention-needy voice. “What, some lady turned you down?”

“ _Someone_ ,” Yamapi comes up with an excuse and points at Ryo accusingly, “apparently _didn’t_ have enough cash for the drink.”

“Thanks, bro,” Ryo smirks at him knowingly and winks at Kamenashi who chuckles amusedly, the straw from his drink between his lips as he sucks in the sweet and fresh liquid. “I knew you’d step in to take care of the rest.”

“You owe me,” Yamapi insists and Jin grimaces, trying to cut the argument short just because he’s trying to look good in front of his cheating boyfriend. And he’s being too bitter, still. “I’m not bathing in money!”

“Can’t you even try to behave? Just once?” Jin wails. Kamenashi’s laughing though, looking quite amused at their odd group dynamics. He’s starting to relax already, or maybe he’s gotten his mask properly intact again.

Yamapi pouts and Ryo winks at Jin as he takes a long chug of his beer. Jin rubs his hands together and Kamenashi drinks from the straw of his drink. Jin whispers something in Kamenashi’s ear that he doesn’t quite manage to catch and Kamenashi smirks and rolls his eyes. He looks amused though, and Jin grins, well aware of it even with the act Kamenashi is putting up.

They’ve got chemistry, it’s visible even from afar. Jin’s eyes are sparkling and he looks slightly electrified, eager to be physically close to his date. It makes him a little sick, knowing Kamenashi’s true nature. He worries for Jin’s heart – there has been talk about years of knowing each other. Things like that hardly ever are light.

“Get a room, lovebirds,” Ryo snorts, attempting to make eye contact with a girl next table. He’s not very discreet about it, but she seems a bit too busy chatting up a guy in her table. Ryo’s never been fast at giving up, though. “We’re not here to watch you suck each other’s faces.”

“We’re not even kissing,” Jin defends himself and Kamenashi laughs vibrantly before pulling Jin in for a brief kiss that doesn’t get too intimate. Yamapi’s chest tightens and he drinks more of his beer before starting to think whether it’s such a good idea after all – he probably shouldn’t get piss drunk for this, who knows what he might do.

Jin looks giddy as he wrap his arm around Kamenashi’s shoulder again, keeping their positions intimate without being too shameless because they _do_ have company and the point isn’t for them to just greet each other before the pair disappears into some bathroom for a shag. From what it sounds like, Kamenashi’s really wanted to meet them for a longer time too. He doesn’t look easy to fool away, even with Jin’s charms.

“So, Yamapi,” Jin continues the conversation loudly to attract everyone’s attention. The man winks at his boyfriend and Kamenashi looks genuinely interested, even with the nervousness. “Your story got kind of interrupted… He has this crush,” the man continues recapping everything to his boyfriend as Yamapi visibly pales. “Some guy from a café, he got his number and stuff.”

“Ah,” Yamapi mumbles. 

Kamenashi’s starting to look a bit stiff too. “Is that so?” he speaks and turns to look at Yamapi, side by side with Jin. It doesn’t look like he’s about to save him from the dangerous situation, though. Not at all. Their eyes meet but Yamapi can’t read them. He doesn’t know what he should do. Yamapi doesn’t think he’s ever been so embarrassed and humiliated, and he’s gone through a lot thanks to his friends. “That’s… nice, isn’t it?”

“Y-yeah,” Yamapi stutters and looks around, trying to think of a way out. He sure as hell isn’t going to confess and hopes to god that’s not what Kamenashi has on his mind either. He looks at Ryo who looks predatory. He likes gossip about chicks and men, when it comes to his friends.

“Did you call him?”

“You did, right? Tell us you did!”

“Tell us everything!”

The world spins and it’s hard to know who’s talking and what tone they have. He feels ridiculed. He needs to get out of this mess, fast. He meets Kamenashi’s gaze. The man’s been quiet. His hands are curled in tight fists on his knees.

“I called,” Yamapi cuts the eager voices of his friends. They snicker and make faces at each other, teasing him constantly. It usually doesn’t feel _this_ bad. “It… Wrong number. Some kind of prank,” he nods with an assuring tone and takes another gulp of his beer to calm down his nerves. “What an asshole.”

Kamenashi raises his eyebrows, looking amused while Ryo and Jin wail in disbelief and sympathy. “Oww, that’s too bad,” he notes and his voice makes Yamapi sick to his gut. He’s sitting _right there_ and acting like such a fucking hypocrite it’s making him mad. “Better luck next time?”

“Yeah,” Jin nods and gets up on his feet. “I’ll get you a drink. I’ll pay,” he assures and smiles at Kamenashi. “Poor guy needs a drink, he’s been talking about this guy for _months_.” Kamenashi nods in understanding. His hands aren’t fisted anymore – he’s taken his drink back to his hands from the table and he’s stirring its contents with the straw. “You three, just keep talking. I’ll be right back, okay?”

“Sure thing, Bakanishi,” Ryo exclaims and he laughs together with Kamenashi as Jin whacks his head before storming off, cheeks flushed. Yamapi kind of misses the moment but no one pays attention – Ryo probably thinks it’s because he’s still preoccupied with his rejection from the café boy, namely Kamenashi.

“So, Kamenashi,” Ryo says with a smirk dancing on his lips. “Are you planning on staying around?”

“You bet,” Kamenashi laughs and picks up a mashed strawberry from his drink with his straw to eat it. “You’ll be seeing me around more from now on. Don’t worry, I’m not going to stick to Jin like a leech, but you know. I’d like to hang around every now and then. See his friends a little too.”

“Welcome to our bar nights, then,” Ryo announces and they cheer all together. Yamapi feels panicky thinking about Kamenashi being around so much from now on when it’s already so hard and wrong now. He feels panic creeping up – can he do this without getting caught?

“Welcome around,” he mumbles and empties his pint. There’s no way this can have a good ending.

\--

He stops visiting the café after that evening at the bar. There’s no way he can continue going there and pretending like nothing ever happened, like everything is alright. Instead, on Monday he buys his lunch from a convenience store on his way to work and eats without leaving the building. It feels much safer that way.

His head is still spinning about the revelation. He wonders how fucking _stupid_ can he really be, how he can let himself get fooled like that. The betrayal is bitter and it feels so weird to think that the Kamenashi behind the counter whom he’s been looking at and admiring for so long can suddenly turn into such a person. It just doesn’t feel right. He must have read him wrong all along.

The day passes by slowly. A bruised knee, a lot of bawling, stubborn complaining and refusal to eat during lunch and snack time – his typical day. He tries to calm down explosive fights among the little children and keep them from doing forbidden things and hurting themselves. He’d always known his profession would be stressing, but he doesn’t think he ever fully understood just how stressing before he actually started working five days a week. And that was already years and years ago.

He’s exhausted when he gets home, ready to turn the lights off and hit the sack. He’s unfortunate enough to realise it isn’t going to happen as soon as he parks his car and detects a dangerously familiar figure standing before the front doors with his arms crossed.

Goddammit. He gets out of his vehicle, locks the doors with a loud beep and heads towards the doors, unhappy about the turn of events. Is a little privacy for sorting things out in his head first too much to ask for?

When Kamenashi detects his presence he licks his lip nervously and opens his folded arms. He stretches them a little and rocks on his heels, observing Yamapi as he warily heads closer. He doesn’t know why Kamenashi is here, he doesn’t know what he wants but he looks quite far from seductive now after their awkward meeting at the bar. He looks mostly analytical and calculative as Yamapi makes his way over.

“We need to talk,” Kamenashi announces the reason for his presence when he’s close enough. His voice sounds strained as if he would be anticipating something really nasty from his part. He’s got something to lose then, huh. “If that’s alright with you. I’d like to explain.”

“You’ve got a lot of explaining to do,” Yamapi snorts coolly as he fishes his keys from his back pocket and pushes them in the slot. He unlocks the door and Kamenashi shifts hesitantly, probably unsure if Yamapi expects him to follow him inside or not. Yamapi sighs and bites his lip as he turns to look at the anxious man. “Come on in.”

“Thanks,” Kamenashi heaves in relief. He follows him to the lift where Yamapi presses the floor number. There’s no music, ridiculous things like that only exist in expensive buildings for either rich people or desired customers. They don’t exchange another word before they’re already at his doorstep, greeted by a welcome mat. Yamapi searches for the right key on his keychain and opens the door, making his way in the tiny foyer. Kamenashi follows him silently and helpfully closes the door behind him. Yamapi hears the soft click of the lock and grows nervous as he kicks his sneakers out. Kamenashi’s shoes soon follow his and they both straighten up their postures. The sound of their breathing is anguishing. He’s probably paying too much attention to it, overwhelmed by the physical closeness.

“How long are you staying?” he asks as he takes Kamenashi’s jacket and hangs it on the clothing rack he has just outside his foyer. Kamenashi follows him inside, familiar with the surroundings already. The last time he was here was different, though. Then Yamapi had felt like they could be anything. Now Kamenashi isn’t the attractive cashier in his favourite café anymore, though, no – he’s Kame, his best friend’s long-term boyfriend. Way out of his limits.

Kamenashi shrugs, walking past him. He looks a bit lost and confused himself, attempting to conclude for how long Yamapi will bother with him before kicking him out. “A while,” he answers unsurely, sticking to uncertainty. “Are you busy?”

“Not really,” Yamapi admits, trying not to walk too close to Kamenashi as he passes him by on the cramped corridor. “Would you like something? Tea?” he decides to offer because he sure feels like some tea could help him calm down his tingling nerves. Kamenashi nods and sits on one of Yamapi’s dining chairs, watching him intensely as he starts taking cups and a pot from the cupboards.

“Has Jin told you anything?” Kamenashi asks him bluntly, poking with a stick to see how informed Yamapi already is of things. Which he isn’t very much – he does remember this ‘Kame’ popping up in his speech every now and then for years and he’s always seemed a little protective and secretive when it comes to him, but he doesn’t have any clear knowledge of things between the two.

“Apart from you two dating? Not really,” he answers truthfully as he pours water to the pot. “Should I know something? About Thursday evening?” About Kamenashi fucking him even though he’s in a relationship with someone else. Giving him false hope and a punch in the stomach.

Kamenashi draws in a shaky breath. He gulps and entwines his fingers, head slightly bowed. He’s leaning to his elbows which he has positioned on the table. Yamapi furrows his brow, unable to feel emotionally withdrawn. He’s had a thing for Kamenashi for ages already anyway.

“It’s not really working,” Kamenashi admits with a bitter tone. Yamapi meets his glare from across the room, studies his eyes, the way they narrow at the corners. He looks like there’s a heavy weight on his shoulders. “He’s cheating on me.”

“Weren’t you the one cheating on him,” Yamapi notes, because really – who is Kamenashi to preach? Kamenashi’s nostrils widen and his lips press tightly together. He looks kind of dangerous as he sits there, still but explosive. “Just saying.”

“That was only once,” Kamenashi defends himself with a strained voice. He’s speaking louder now and his voice is more certain. He’s determined to convince Yamapi, no matter what it takes. “I’ve never done it before, honestly. It’s just that I thought we were already over this. After we got together properly,” he mumbles, looking out of the window to keep his distance. “My friend saw him being touchy with another girl, though. I confronted him and he denied it. Then I… I checked his texts,” Kamenashi admits and buries his face in his hands shamefully. “I don’t know. I just got so angry at him. I thought I’d sleep with someone and tell him, just to hurt him back. But I couldn’t. Especially after I learned that you were his… I can’t do that to you,” he sighs deeply and bites his knuckles nervously. “I’m sorry. I really am. I didn’t mean to include you in this mess.”

“Why don’t you just break up with him then?” Yamapi suggests. It’s the most plausible solution in his mind. If Kamenashi is so unhappy, why stick around for a jerk? “Not that I’d believe you. Jin… he has friends, sure, but cheating is…”

“I’m not lying,” Kamenashi cuts in, starting to look hostile. He’s on the defensive. It’s understandable, Yamapi guesses. The pot whistles on the stove and he removes it carefully, carrying it to the table. Kamenashi looks a bit sickly and pale. “You don’t believe me, do you?”

“Jin is my friend,” Yamapi reminds him as he hands him a mug with some silly English text. “You already fooled me once.”

“I’m not lying,” Kamenashi repeats desperately, his shoulders rigid. “I’ve known him for eight years. We’ve tried to make it work for _eight fucking years_. He never even told you about me. Not before recently.”

“Well, maybe he just doesn’t want to be with you?” Yamapi tries to suggest helpfully as he pours them both tea with his shaky hands, trying not to sound too much like an ass about it. “I’ve seen him with people. When he wants to be with someone he really invests everything he has in the relationship.”

“But I’m a man,” Kamenashi splutters. “I think he’s always had some kind of problem with that.”

Yamapi thinks back to Jin, thinks back to confessing his own bisexuality and talking it out with Jin. He recalls the way Jin awkwardly admitted his own sexuality as well, shrugging with his lips thoughtfully pursed. He doesn’t really know. “He isn’t homophobic,” he decides to say, just to defend his friend.

Kamenashi shakes his head in agreement but opens his mouth for an argument anyway. “It’s not in his ideology in general, I think,” he shares his view insistently. “But I don’t think he _himself_ wants to spend the rest of his life with a man. He’s very… sensitive about it. He never really cares much when people judge him, but when it comes to that he can be very defensive.”

“Then maybe you should reconsider your relationship,” Yamapi sighs. He takes a small swig from his mug and burns the tip of his tongue before he sets it back down again with a cringe. Not a good idea, even if it meant getting something to do for his hands. Kamenashi’s staring at him painfully, though, now that he looks at him again. He tries to swallow the lump from his throat. “If you’ve had that problem for so many years I doubt it’ll just magically go away. Maybe you can’t fix it.”

“When I was eighteen he came to see me at my school one day.” Kamenashi’s blinking furiously and fiddling with his teaspoon. His gaze is cast down to his hands, but otherwise he appears to be calm and collected. “It was after school. We were at the auditorium, there’s a piano there. He… insisted that I sit next to him on the seat,” Kamenashi remembers and smiles a little. It doesn’t fully reach his eyes, not with the melancholy he’s experiencing, but he looks a little warmer with the memory. “He played me this song, you know. He had composed it himself, for me. He just told me to shut up and not say a word before he finished.”

“He’s good with the piano,” Yamapi nods anxiously. He doesn’t know why he has to listen to this, why _he_ has to listen to Kamenashi mourning over his relationship with his best friend when it’s so obvious he’s falling for him faster than he can prevent it. It’d be a little too painful to tell him to leave, though, so he remains seated where he is, prepared to listen to Kamenashi talking just a bit more, about things other than the café menu and weather.

Kamenashi nods, drawing in a shaky breath. “He is,” he agrees with a softer voice. It’s the first time Yamapi actually detects the genuine love in his features, his expression. He feels all of his remaining hope flushing down the drain as Kamenashi licks his lips and cocks his head a little, trying to find words to speak with. “I’m not sure if you’ve heard it. I think eventually he named it _Baby Girl_. Note the indirectly homophobic attitude again,” Kamenashi snorts and rolls his eyes. “But… I don’t know. I had already almost given up hope at that point. I was just waiting to find the strength to let go. Then he composed that song to me and I listened and… After that I just knew he felt the same,” he grimaces ashamedly and scratches his nose, raising his gaze to meet Yamapi’s dulled one. “I decided I’ll keep fighting for it until we get to where we’re supposed to be with the feelings we have. I refuse to give up.”

“I’ve heard _Baby Girl_ ,” Yamapi answers quietly, warming his fingertips with the tea mug. It burns but he can’t withdraw his hands. It feels like it’s his last thread to hold on. “So he wrote it for you.” He remembers hearing Jin play it to himself many years ago, lost somewhere in his own thoughts. He’d asked about the song’s origins then, pestering Jin about it with Ryo.

He’d written it for someone special, he had said. Under further inspection he had finally mumbled the title nervously, stumbling with his words like he really wouldn’t want to say them.

Yamapi wonders if his pushiness has been at fault for the incorrect gender in the title, if Jin’s words of writing it to the man in front of him have been true. If he has, he’s genuinely sorry as he detects the worry and hurt gently tangling to Kamenashi’s voice and words.

“So… I’m not sure if you understand,” Kamenashi tries, holding on to his steamy mug anxiously. “But please try to. I didn’t mean to offend you and I’m genuinely sorry. I regret it. I couldn’t just go on without giving you an explanation, it wouldn’t have been fair.”

Yamapi sniffs a little awkwardly, the steam going up his nostrils. People never fail to be complicated. “So there was nothing between us? Ever?”

“I’m sorry.” Kamenashi attempts to give him a small and apologetic smile. He truly is sorry. “Maybe if my situation would be different. But I’ve already found what I want. I’m sorry if I led you on. I just tried to think of someone I would want to do it with and you popped in my mind. I really didn’t know.”

“It’s alright.” It isn’t. But then again, it has to be – he isn’t about to go to Jin to get the weight off his shoulders. Besides, if Kamenashi really is telling the truth, it’s not his business to mess with. The man had just had a moment of poor judgment. “I’ll forget about it. It never happened.”

“It never happened,” comes the relieved confirmation and Kamenashi smiles to him exhaustedly, his muscles relaxing notably. “…It’s good to know you, Yamashita. I really mean it.” He looks like he means it, as unfortunate as the turn in their relationship has been. Yamapi wonders if the yearning ever really goes away.

“Yeah,” he nods, feeling awfully hollow inside. “You too.”

Kamenashi gets up on his feet, his tea sitting on the table untouched. “I should go,” the man tries to excuse himself politely with a small bow. “I’ve got to go grocery shopping before I make dinner. Jin gets kind of cranky when his blood sugar is low.”

“He does,” Yamapi agrees with a laugh he hopes sounds genuine. It’s a good thing people tell him it’s hard to read his emotions from his eyes – people rarely notice when they won’t reach them. He gets up on his feet and walks with Kamenashi to the foyer where he hands the man’s jacket over to him and watches him shove his feet into his shoes. “I’ll see you around then, huh?”

“I guess,” Kamenashi nods with a smile as he straightens up again. He waves his hand as he opens the lock of the door and steps outside. “Bye.”

“Bye.”

He closes the door but doesn’t leave the foyer for a while. He replays the absurd commotion between the two of them, wonders if he’s made the right choices. Is Kamenashi just pulling his leg or what? He sure sounded genuine, but most swindlers do too and if someone successfully cheats without getting caught, they must be experts at it.

He doesn’t dare to confront Jin about it though, just in case. After all, it isn’t only Kamenashi’s neck that’s on the guillotine.

\--

Jin looks unimaginably happy whilst stuffing his mouth with a Big Mac. His cheeks are full and puffy, like a rodent’s. He’s chewing with his mouth closed though, thank god. Yamapi has already finished his hamburger and has moved on to the fries which he dips in a tiny carton cup of ketchup.

It’s a typical Wednesday afternoon tradition. They meet up, just the two of them, grab some lunch, mostly from McDonalds, chatter about this and that and just enjoy each other’s company. Wednesday is their day and has been so since secondary school. Sometimes Yamapi thinks years pass too fast to fully comprehend the passage of time.

“We’re moving in together,” Jin munches after swallowing most of the mush in his mouth. He takes a long sip of his coke as Yamapi raises his eyebrows in question – they’re moving fast. Jin’s lived together with a girl once for a couple of months before they broke up. He never really talked about it. “Kame’s rent ends this weekend so I’ll be busy for the rest of the week, helping him move his stuff.”

“Okay,” Yamapi acknowledges – no inviting him to any kinds of parties then. “So you’re serious then?” he prompts Jin to go on. He thinks of Kamenashi’s flushed body pressing against his and the man’s concerned face when discussing cheating issues with him. He wonders if commitment between them is such a good idea after all, but doesn’t dare to voice out his opinion without being fully sure. He’s not going to explain Jin he _has a feeling_ it’s all going to end badly based on one night drinking when everything looked great between the two, except for that one fleeting moment.

“Yeah. Yeah, sure,” Jin nods enthusiastically and bites into his hamburger again. He’s grimacing, though, and Yamapi feels slight tightness creeping up. Kamenashi sounded way more serious about him than he does. It’s kind of worrying. “I mean,” Jin mumbles, still with food in his mouth. He gulps it down in order to be able to speak more freely and shrugs. “I am serious. But we’ve always been a bit… difficult, you know? We clash a lot. And now we’re going through some trouble again. We think moving in together might help it.”

“What kind of problems?” Yamapi prompts, trying to be helpful. He feels guilty, having also taken part in the “trouble” the pair is experiencing. Jin is his best friend after all. It’s only right if he helps to set things straight, should they be that way, or stand by his friend’s side once everything falls apart. He can swallow down his own crush, as insistent and disappointing as it is.

“I don’t know. This and that,” Jin shrugs and purses his lips thoughtfully. “We’ve been talking lately. We need some spark, something to make us… more excited about each other again,” he nods slowly. “You know. Sex-wise. We’re trying that first.”

Yamapi furrows his brow. Kamenashi never mentioned anything about problems on that area. He doesn’t know if it isn’t too personal and embarrassing, though, since they don’t know each other that well. Jin and him, though… well. Sex isn’t the most unusual topic.

“Toys?” he suggests vaguely. “Some kind of kinky foreplay or cosplay?”

“Yeah, maybe,” Jin shrugs again, nervous about discussing it in public. He keeps eyeing the people around, but no one’s paying attention to them – they aren’t speaking very loudly, for once. “Actually,” the man finally continues, gathering up his courage as he turns his eyes back to Yamapi, “we’ve been thinking of a threesome.”

Yamapi’s eyebrows rise. It sounds like the worst solution for them, should someone ask him. “Threesome,” he notes and Jin grimaces, prepared to defend himself. Yamapi tilts his head a little, trying to appear thoughtful. “Why?”

“I don’t know. It’d be exciting?” Jin tries, stealing one of his fries sneakily. “Seeing someone else take him. I don’t know. Somehow that’d turn me on.” So this isn’t about Jin fucking some chick right next to a pained and jealous Kamenashi, then. That’s good at least. “Sharing him.”

“Sharing him,” he repeats with a nod. Jin answers with a nod himself, trying to search his eyes for his genuine opinion. Pi purses his lips and takes a sip of his coke. It’s not his relationship, though. If Jin and Kamenashi have properly discussed it and agreed on it, who’s he to say they’re wrong about it? He knows some couples like that sort of thing, helps them remind how lucky they really are to have each other. “Well, if you think it’ll help you.”

Jin looks relieved now that he’s got Yamapi’s acceptance. He’s smiling a bit again as he steals a whole handful of Yamapi’s fries. Yamapi finishes his own coke and steals Jin’s in return. Jin’s frowning again, eating a fry while leaning against his hand, elbow on the table. “I don’t want anyone to steal him, though. Threesome’s a bit risky. What if the other person is better than me and Kame forgets all about me?”

“I’m sure Kamenashi likes you enough to stay with you.” He does, after all. Yamapi sure as hell wasn’t enough to make him change his love-struck mind. It’s a bit depressing, but maybe it’s for the best. Hooking up with Kamenashi would risk his friendship with Jin. He’d hate himself if that happened.

“He’s hot, isn’t he?” Jin suddenly notes, looking up at him. Yamapi shivers and for a while he’s scared Jin’s figured him out, as slow as the man can be. He tries to act nonchalant as he puts the soda down. “Sexy and desirable.”

“Yeah,” Yamapi admits. There’s no reason to lie here – what should he say, that his best friend’s boyfriend is ugly when he isn’t? They’re aware of each other’s sexualities already and it isn’t the first time they’ve complimented each other’s partners. “He’s quite a package. You sure got lucky.”

“Do you want him?” Jin continues, voice and expression serious. Yamapi’s glad he isn’t drinking anymore – he’d choke if he were still drinking. Instead he peers at his friend, feeling the chills. He wonders if Kamenashi’s told Jin after all, if this is all a scam just to catch him red-handed. His friend looks oblivious to it, though. He’s not a particularly good actor. “You’re my friend so I trust you. And you’re the kind of person I wouldn’t feel too awkward with, you know? Ryo’s straight and he’d be scary anyway,” Jin grimaces and Yamapi fully agrees with a roll of his eyes. “I don’t want him touching Kame. But you’re… you know. You. I think it could work and you’d treat him well too, make sure he feels good and all.”

“Jin,” Yamapi says simply. He’s walking on thin ice, trying not to get caught with already having had relations with Jin’s boyfriend. He doesn’t want it, he tries to tell himself. He doesn’t like Kamenashi enough to seriously go and fuck up his relationship with his best friend. That’d be creepy. Besides, he’s really trying hard to move on and he isn’t there yet. He doesn’t want to slip in bed, right in front of Jin’s eyes.

“Please?” Jin goes to begging more. “I’d feel a lot better if it was with you,” he tries to insist. It’s quite ridiculous, considering Yamapi is probably the most _unsafe_ person he could possibly invite to bed with him and Kamenashi. “We’d all agree on it, it wouldn’t be _that_ awkward.”

“You should ask Kamenashi,” Yamapi tries to dodge the decision making. “You know, we’re quite different, you and me. I might not even turn him on.” Except that he does, from what he knows. He remembers Kamenashi writhing with his eyes closed, fringe glued to his forehead and lips parted as hot and heavy breaths came out. He shouldn’t be thinking about it in public. Especially not in front of Jin. “Just talk to Kamenashi about it, okay?”

“But if he says yes, are you in?” Jin tries to check with him. “If you need thinking time, that’s okay. You can say no too, I won’t push it. It’s just that we really need this and… I mean, you’ve had threesomes before too,” he insists, eating the rest of the fries. “It’s not like it’s your first.”

“That time none of us were dating,” Yamapi mumbles as an answer. “I’d be a third wheel, you know? I don’t really know.” He’d probably say yes if it was anyone but Kamenashi. The problem is that it isn’t. “I don’t even know him that well.” Except for his darkest secret and biggest worry, of course, which already defines him quite well.

“Can I at least suggest you to him?” Jin asks him. Yamapi feels his breathing catching up. Jin looks a bit desperate. “See if he even wants you. I can tell you then and you can think about it. You don’t have to say yes.”

“Okay,” Yamapi agrees, just to get his friend off his back. It’s not like Kamenashi will accept Jin’s offer anyway – he’s sure to come up with some kind of excuse as to why not, because there’s no way the three of them should have sex together. Not under these circumstances. “Yeah, whatever. Just ask. Won’t hurt, I guess.”

Jin’s beaming. They don’t talk about it again that night – they gossip about common friends and their recent dramas with girls and police and whatnot. Yamapi makes it safely back home where he starts closing the curtains peacefully before going to bed.

He’s back from the shower, hair still dripping wet on his shirt as he notices his mobile insistently flashing a tiny light. He walks over and picks it up – a text message from Jin. He gulps anxiously as he presses read.

_Kame’s in!!! Yes or no?? :) :) :)_

He freezes. His entire apartment is silent. It’s late and he has work tomorrow and he really shouldn’t even consider this. Shouldn’t when his bed is _right there_ and even though he’s changed his sheets already there’s still a faint scent of Kamenashi left lingering.

He sits down on his bed, rereading the text anxiously.

Why on earth would Kamenashi say yes? Why would he want him anymore? It’s just awkward. Didn’t they already agree it was wrong for him to lead him on when he obviously has feelings for him? He just can’t figure the man out, he guesses. He doesn’t know if anything he says is true anymore.

He holds his breath as he answers Jin with a simple _OK_. He hopes to god Kamenashi’s going to keep his word and not reveal everything furiously while they’re all hotly bundled up together. He feels dangerous, no matter how unintimidating he appears on the outside.

It’s just that he really longs for him, and he’ll never have him. It’s not that selfish for him to have him while trying to help Jin and Kamenashi fix their relationship. He’s not sure if he’s the right tool for that, but Jin trusts him. He’s determined not to betray that trust. Last time he didn’t know. Now he does, he knows what to expect from this before he gets ahead of himself.

It’s just a simple painful and unreturned longing feeling he has for Kamenashi who’s perfectly out of his touch. He’ll start letting go of it later.

\--

“Come on in,” Jin encourages him nervously a few days after. It’s Friday night, nearing ten o’clock, and Yamapi hasn’t been able to stay undistracted from anything. He’s flustered as he leaves his shoes and jacket in the foyer and proceeds further inside the house.

Kamenashi’s leaning against the bedroom door. He looks awkward and alert as he bows his head a little and mumbles his greeting. Yamapi does his best to answer while standing next to his best friend who has his arm wrapped around his shoulders. He can’t even begin to describe how embarrassing this whole ordeal is already, and they haven’t even gotten started yet.

Kamenashi’s belongings are everywhere and the apartment looks much more cluttered and cramped now. When they make it to the bedroom and sit down on the bed, Yamapi sees how Jin’s CDs have had to make space for a couple of books and DVDs he can’t recall ever seeing before. The sound of Kamenashi’s breathing makes his hair stand on edge.

“Should we get started then?” Jin suggests with a peep from Kamenashi’s other side. Yamapi turns to look at him and nods in agreement – the sooner they just get over with it, the better. They’ve talked about this already, endless text messages discussing about thing to do and not do.

Kamenashi moves. There’s a rustle and the bed sinks a bit more as he starts unbuttoning Jin’s shirt from top down, fingers clumsy as he proceeds with his task. Jin’s probably filled him in already, discussed things with him too. He knows what to do, he doesn’t have to… It doesn’t have to get awkward, they’ve all agreed to this.

Plump lips press fleeting kisses under Jin’s ear and chin. Kamenashi moves further down to his neck and shoulders as the final button comes loose, exposing Jin’s chest. Jin’s breathing is hitching; he’s enjoying the way Kamenashi’s fingers run on his skin. Yamapi feels like a third wheel.

“Cock rings,” Jin reminds with a hasty murmur. Kamenashi withdraws and nods, eyes avoiding Yamapi as he gets up on his feet and walks over to the nightstand. He pulls open a drawer and takes three silicone rings, condoms and lube from it before returning. He kneels down between the two of them, hair covering his eyes. Yamapi wonders if he wants this as much as Jin does, or if he’s just succumbing to his partner’s wishes. He wishes it isn’t the latter.

“Do him first,” Jin guides, the only one of them who’s been able to utter a word so far. It’s good that he’s talking and directing them, though, it saves them from awkward immobile moments. Kamenashi’s fingers wrap around his zipper and pull it down with a threatening sound. He gets his ass up from the bed and lets the man tug his jeans and boxers down on his ankles.

Kamenashi puts the spare items on the bed before he snakes his hands around Yamapi’s lower body. There’s a moist kiss just below his navel, demanding all of sudden, and then Kamenashi’s fingers start massaging his lower back roughly, fingers occasionally sliding to his butt crack.

Jin is watching, he knows. He wonders why on earth he decided to go along with this – it’s awkward with Kamenashi and Jin together, especially because of a certain incident Jin probably hasn’t found out about yet. Jin undoes his own zipper and pulls his member out of his briefs to fist it lightly. Yamapi wonders what the factor of them that turns him on is. For him it feels like a scene from an amateur porn clip, Kamenashi’s one hand on his scrotum and the other behind his back to keep him still and close while he trails kisses up and down his shaft, attempting to make it erect.

His eyelids slide shut. Kamenashi’s mouth is hot and wet as he takes him inside his mouth and sucks. There’s a bopping sound as he withdraws. He shivers as the cold air hits his moist skin but then Kamenashi is back, rougher and more determined. He’s starting to get there, starting to feel the swell. Jin moans next to him, eyes glued between his legs where Kamenashi is, looking back at him with dark eyes and messy hair, pink tongue poking out of his mouth as he teases the head of Yamapi’s cock.

He extends his hand experimentally and runs his fingers through Kamenashi’s hair as he works on him, breathes hotly against his skin and nibs at the tender skin of his inner thighs. Jin doesn’t object – maybe he doesn’t mind then. His fingers feel shaky as he keeps the hair away from Kamenashi’s face.

“Part your legs more,” Kamenashi instructs him and Yamapi obeys. His need is building up, the desperation to just have Kamenashi close. He wants to throw him to the bed and make him mewl and cry as he moves in and out of him, penis erect and demanding. It’s not the time for that yet, though, not at all. Kamenashi withdraws and dries his semi-erect member a little with his hand before he unwraps one of the condoms and slips it on. Jin hands the lube over to him, eyes clouded with lust.

Kamenashi uncaps the tube and spreads the lube helpfully around Yamapi’s shaft and testicles. It glistens in the light and feels cold against his flaccid member, even through the condom. Jin’s eyes are glued to them and Yamapi’s painfully aware of it as he tries not to react too strongly to the sleek movement of Kamenashi’s warm hand on his cock. It’s better than the last time without lube.

Kamenashi stretches one of the cock rings with his fingers and Yamapi’s breathing hitches. He hasn’t done this in a long while. It’s never been a habit because he’s never really felt like he would’ve needed it – these things belong more in his youth when every sex toy had to be tried out and penis size truly mattered. Kamenashi’s hands are steady and sure as he slips first one testicle in and then another. Yamapi breathes heavily and throws his head back as his shaft follows. Once he’s securely locked, Kamenashi rises to sit on his lap and kiss him, arms welcomingly wrapping themselves around him. He can’t help but kiss back eagerly, overwhelmed by the man’s presence and scent.

Jin’s on the bed on his knees, slipping his own cock ring on before pulling Kamenashi’s lips for a kiss, not removing him from Yamapi’s lap. This is what he wanted after all – to be a voyeur. “Come on, let’s get you geared up,” he murmurs and Yamapi can feel Kamenashi shiver on top of him. “Turn around,” Jin instructs until Kamenashi is sitting on his lap with his semi-hard erection awkwardly pressing against his ass. It’s infuriatingly frustrating. “Here we go.”

Kamenashi’s hand grips Jin’s shoulder while the man fists him a few times before securing him with a condom and a cock ring as well. Yamapi buries his face in the back of Kamenashi’s head. His hair smells of some fruity shampoo and feels soft and fluffy against his face. He runs his fingers down the younger man’s back, making him arch in arousal. Jin grins and kisses Kamenashi’s neck. There’s a sound of a faint whimper. Yamapi doesn’t know whose it is.

Jin stands on his knees, jeans still clinging to his hips. Kamenashi moves to let Yamapi move away from under him before he fists Jin firmly and takes him into his mouth, sucking while moving up and down his length. Yamapi puts a hand on his shoulder and Kamenashi immediately turns, looking up at him with dark and hazy eyes before grabbing his balls and granting him a similar kind of treatment. Jin grabs a hold of Kamenashi’s hair, guiding him roughly before pulling him back towards himself, groaning.

They’re all horny and pushy. Yamapi starts gaining confidence and pulls Kamenashi back towards him, guides him firmly with his own fingers sunken in Kamenashi’s locks as the man laps at his engorged length. Kamenashi fists Jin simultaneously. He’s efficient, one hand taking care of one man and lips going back and forth, creating infuriating waits as the other one’s turn comes.

He’s swollen beyond belief. It’s tight and hot, especially so thanks to the cock ring. His erection stands proudly as Kamenashi sucks and laps on the tip, eyes looking up at him lustily. Jin’s disappeared somewhere with a few swearwords as Kamenashi’s hands roughly grab Yamapi’s buttocks and squeeze them. He groans and gasps, giving in to the heated sensations.

Jin’s back soon, lifting Kamenashi up from his hips. Kamenashi turns his head to look back at him, see what he’s doing as he helps him down on all fours and spreads his buttocks. Yamapi feels hot as he looks at the object in Jin’s hand. His own cock keeps pulsating demandingly, driving him crazy and senseless.

“I can put it in,” he offers with a raspy voice and meets Jin’s eyes. Jin throws the object to him and he catches it, well-learned in this area already. Jin withdraws to the headboard and leans against it, caressing his erection with his long pianist fingers. Kamenashi doesn’t move so Yamapi does, one hand at the small of his back as he caresses Kamenashi’s entrance with the slick butt plug in his hand.

“Please,” Kamenashi moans. It sounds slightly artificial, too exaggerated as he perks his butt helpfully. “Put it in.” He’s shameless and Yamapi obeys him partially, pushing a few centimetres in while trying to feel the tremors that rack the man’s body. He moves his hand from Kamenashi’s back to his stomach. Kamenashi throws his head back and moans louder, trying to push against the toy. “More.”

Yamapi kisses him between his shoulder blades and pulls the plug out, making Kamenashi whimper in displeasure. “Does it feel good?” he finds himself whispering dirtily, getting carried away with the scene they’re creating. He hasn’t done anything like this in years. “Show me how much you want it.”

Jin moans, eyes half lidded as he studies them. Yamapi makes sure he sees, helps Kamenashi turn just a bit so that his ass is pointing straight at his boyfriend. He caresses Kamenashi’s butt crack up and down with the butt plug, making Kamenashi wail in frustration. “Just give it to me,” he demands breathlessly. Yamapi slaps his ass. “A-ah! Yamashita –”

“Yamapi,” Jin corrects quickly from afar, voice thick with arousal. “It’s Yamapi and Kame.” He shouldn’t have the right to give them permission to use such nicknames. Then again, it’s his fantasy they’re acting out. Yamapi nibs at Kamenas–, no, _Kame_ ’s nape and feels the man shivering violently in need.

“Have it then,” he finally obliges and slowly pushes the toy in. Kame gasps and pants, muscles clenching as he takes it in. Yamapi wonders if he should’ve stretched him, if he’ll be alright. Then again, Kame probably has sex regularly. He should be able to take it.

He lifts Kame up again, hears him mewl and cry softly at the sensation of the toy filling him up. He pulls him into a kiss and Kame’s thumbs swiftly circle over his perked nipples, granting him pleasure. Both of their bodies are heating up and forming sweat. Kame’s body slides just right against his as they press close to each other, crotches rubbing together hastily.

He wants Kame. He doesn’t think he’s ever wanted anything like this, not so physically and mentally at the same time it’s driving him crazy. He feels guilty and bad because _sex shouldn’t be like this_ , it shouldn’t be just taking care of physical needs and mistreating one another but there’s nothing he can do about it right now, nothing he should do at least.

The erection is starting to become painful. Kamenashi turns around to Jin and kneels down again to press his head down between his legs. Jin moans heavily and wraps his legs around Kame’s upper body as the man starts giving him a more proper blowjob. He takes it in deep and tugs on it as he moves. One of his hands squeezes Jin’s thigh while the other pushes under Jin’s cock. He sucks his own fingers and spits on them before inserting two inside Jin at once. “Rub him from behind,” Jin sighs at Yamapi, whole body starting to move in waves to the pleasure. “Hold him.”

Yamapi kisses Kame’s perky buttocks before snaking his arms around the man’s hips and starting to rock against him. It’s not enough, it’s clumsy and hopeless and just _not enough_ as he humps him, sometimes harder and sometimes managing to hold back and rub more gently. Kame whimpers around Jin’s cock and Yamapi grabs his erection to please him further. He doesn’t know how long Kame will be able to hold back anymore.

Kame’s lips are pink and wet as they keep sliding up and down Jin’s length, making loud and wet noises. Yamapi removes the butt plug and spreads the man’s legs – Kame’s open already, properly stretched by the toy. The tight ring of muscles clenches, expecting more. Jin nods at him, fingers entangled in Kame’s hair.

Yamapi pushes in and feels Kame flinching. His whole body trembles and he withdraws from Jin’s cock, eyes closed and lips pursed and parted. Jin keeps stroking his hair as he cries with every thrust Yamapi makes, who is listening to his cock rather than his head because he hasn’t had an erection like this in years and he really just can’t hold back anymore. His slams echo in the room and Kame moans, attempting to blow Jin simultaneously even though he’s visibly distracted from his task.

“Do it harder, Yamapi,” Jin urges him. He sounds like he’s near completion and his eyes keep taking in the view before him, Kame’s flushed face and the part where he becomes one with Yamapi. Kame’s fingers are still moving inside of Jin and he wails as he takes him in his mouth again, desperate and breathless. Yamapi slams in harder, fisting Kame as roughly as he can. He hopes he’s not hurting him too much. “Do you like him? Do you?”

“Yes,” Yamapi admits, clouded by his need to just fucking _come already_. “Yes…” He’s groaning, hips moving on their own accord as he drives into Kame’s heat and softness. All of them happen to cry out at the same time. It sends shivers running up his spine. “Fuck.”

He comes inside of Kame with a violent shove and a loud groan. His whole body trembles as he rides his orgasm – it’s strong and he feels sensitive all over, especially around his shaft to the point of it being painful. He cries out sharply as he pulls his member out, still fisting Kame towards his release. Kame’s moaning, his hips moving even with Yamapi gone. He rubs himself against the mattress despite Yamapi’s ministrations. “Jin,” he cries out, fingers digging in the said man’s hips. Jin’s fisting himself, aware of the waves of ecstasy riding over Kame. “Oh god.”

Kame shoots up as he comes with a wail. He collapses against Yamapi’s chest, panting heavily. Jin spills his seeds soon after and goes limp against the headboard, head resting on one shoulder. Yamapi lets himself fall to lie down on the mattress, pulling Kame with him.

After a moment they all remove their cock rings and condoms. No one bothers getting up, though. Jin pulls Kame against his chest and cuddles him sweetly, giving him an occasionally kiss every now and then. Yamapi lies on Kame’s other side and eventually covers them with the blanket, starting to get cold. It’s autumn already, after all.

Jin falls asleep with one hand resting on Kame’s hip and one somewhere over his head. Yamapi doesn’t see Kame’s face, doesn’t know anything. There’s a lump in his throat and he kind of really wants to just get up and go home, unable to take it anymore. Being so close yet having to watch as Jin holds him against his chest like this hurts.

Kame flinches as he snuggles up against his back, pressing close. He doesn’t say anything, though, doesn’t even look back. Yamapi doesn’t know why it is – does he want him to touch him, or does he just not want Jin to wake up and create drama. They’re both still hiding their encounter the night before their first official meeting as Jin’s friend and boyfriend. Sometimes he wonders if there was something behind it after all, other than getting back at Jin. Most of the time, though, he understands it probably doesn’t matter either way.

After a good fifteen minutes of silence or so, Kamenashi presses back against him. He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even fully show he’s awake. He probably must be.

This is as close as they’ll get to each other, and this will probably be the last time too. Yamapi closes his eyes and tries to swallow down the bitter taste in his mouth while listening to the couple breathing right beside him. He’ll wake up in the morning and they’ll all go on like this never happened.

Just like the other time never happened either.

\--

His apathetic mood switches on the moment he’s hugged goodbye the last children leaving the nursery school. He feels distant and alone as he wishes a good evening to his co-workers and packs his belongings in his bag, ready to go home. Home doesn’t sound particularly inviting, though – it’s filled with memories and memories of a life he can’t have.

He needs a drink, outdoors. No company, though – everyone’s probably busy and tired, and besides, he’s feeling quite solitary. There’s no one he can talk to about these things because it’s all wrong and messed up. Everything has to be kept under a rag because they’re not to be spoken of unless he wants to make the sky fall down.

He gets off the metro, following the mass of people returning home from work. The streetlights have already been lit – winter is quickly approaching with its darkness and chilliness. Yamapi pushes his hands in the pockets of his autumn jacket, wishing it’d be just a bit thicker.

He makes it through a few intersections before he sees the familiar sign greeting him from afar. He feels oddly calmer than he’s felt for days. There’s an apathetic emptiness inside of him, one he doesn’t manage to shake off. There are mental images of Jin sleeping with his arm wrapped around Kame’s naked back, head buried in the crook of his neck with hair sprawled everywhere. Kame there too – hand stroking Jin’s hair with a light touch of affection, careful not to wake him up.

He gulps anxiously. It’s been weeks, he should get over it. He’s seen the pair afterwards too. They all gathered at Ryo’s place to watch some American movie with epic chases and exploding cars, the usual shit. He doesn’t even remember the plot anymore.

His love is hopeless and he should just drop it like he’s supposed to. He should ignore the nagging in his head about Jin and other girls because Jin’s _at ease_ with Kame and _he would’ve told him_ if he felt that troubled because they’re best friends and they actually tell each other stuff. He should stop bringing up excuses to whisk Kame to his own boat. He won’t succeed in it anyway.

He pulls the door open and steps in, greeted by warmth and music. It’s still too early for the bar to be packed, but some co-workers and friends are occupying a table here and there. There’s a man on the bar counter, hair already turning white. He looks depressed.

Yamapi starts heading towards the bar counter himself before something catches his eye. There’s a familiar denim jacket and ruffled mid-brown hair. He stops in the middle of the room, narrowing his eyes. Nail polish too, black. _Kame_.

He stands still for a while, just watching. Kame inhales from his cigarette and releases smoke through his nostrils, bitter enough to challenge the pain. His eyes are glued to the stage where a middle-aged woman sits on a stool, strumming an upbeat rhythm with her acoustic guitar. There’s a vintage suitcase sitting next to his chair, too large to fit under the table.

Sighing, he gives into the pull and lets his feet move towards the young man. Kamenashi turns his head, acknowledging his presence. He heaves and butts his half-burnt cigarette to the ashtray. The smoke trails up and Kamenashi takes a big gulp of his scotch, grimaces and looks up at him.

“You’ve got a suitcase,” Yamapi notes as he sits down. Kame’s still smacking his lips, tasting the traces of alcohol. He looks relatively sober, but not very good otherwise. He hasn’t even bothered with the bracelets. “Are you going somewhere?”

“I was,” Kamenashi admits and smirks bitterly as he deposits his lighter in his cigarette case which he pockets like it would bother Yamapi. It doesn’t very much, he’s got chain smoker friends who don’t give a shit about what he thinks. It isn’t like he wouldn’t occasionally smoke either, when he’s offered and stressed out by life and whatnot. “Now I don’t know.”

“How so?” Yamapi prompts him gently. There’s applause around them – the woman has finished playing. Kame sighs deeply and claps his own hands together for a few times. 

“She was good,” he justifies with a shrug and drinks more of his whiskey. 

“Kame,” Yamapi insists. He wonders if Kame has left Jin. Cruelly enough… he quite hopes so. Kame meets his eyes from across the table and swallows uneasily. He looks quite apathetic. It’s not a very usual mood for him. Mostly it just makes Yamapi want to wrap Kame in his arms, hold him until he melts.

“I was going to my friend’s. But he’s got his long distance girlfriend over. I don’t want to be a bother,” Kame gulps, scratching his nose. “I only remembered once I left. My other good friend is out of town because of work. One has a university exam tomorrow. Others… I don’t feel good just… butting in.” He smiles a bit, humoured by his foul luck. “So I don’t know. I might just hit a motel. If I have the money.”

“Why won’t you go home?” Yamapi insists. Kame’s leg moves hesitantly, bumps against his suitcase as if to confirm it’s still safely there and not growing feet to walk away. “Did you have a fight?” He does his best not to sound too gentle with his voice, acknowledging Kame’s hatred for being treated like he’s made of porcelain which he isn’t. He just prefers not to talk. It works for him. It’s just that this information feels vital for him too.

“Not really,” Kame answers, tilting his head a little in wonder. “I just packed my necessities and left in the morning. He smelled like perfume,” he reasons, licks his lips and laughs hollowly. “I’m paranoid,” he admits and shakes his head. Yamapi reaches over the table to squeeze his triceps firmly. “He’ll probably start calling me soon when he realises I left. I should go back.”

“Hey.” He snaps his fingers next to Kame’s face to snap him out of his daze. Kame looks at him, lips pressed tightly together and eyes alert. He looks ready to get judged. It’s upsetting. “You don’t need to do anything,” he tries to offer his support. His mouth is dry by now, making gulping difficult.

Kame grinds his teeth and watches as an old man makes his way to the stage. He starts playing the piano and singing so mournfully that Yamapi can’t make out the majority of the lyrics. He isn’t completely sure they’re Japanese, though. Could be anything for all he knows. 

“Do you have to be here?” Kame snaps suddenly, breaking the pregnant silence around them. Yamapi looks at him, heart pounding painfully. Suddenly Kame looks much more desperate and out of it, confused with himself. He wishes he knew what to think of it.

“Why not?” he asks quietly, urging Kame to spill the beans. The man gulps and swirls the thick liquid in his glass, trying to restrain himself. His lips are slightly pursed but the harshness doesn’t reach his eyes. He’s melancholy, if anything.

“Because you make me want to go with you.”

Kame bites his lips. He seems ashamed of his words, on the verge of self-hatred. Yamapi’s heart skips a bit as he watches Kame, observes him as he avoids his gaze by staring at the old man on the stage. The piano flows through them. It doesn’t sound like Jin, though – Jin plays contemporary music, complex with a simple sound. This is more classical. It isn’t bad, at least for him.

“You could,” he offers, not knowing if he’s making things worse. Kame laughs shortly. He looks exhausted, beautifully broken. “He cheats,” he tries to help Kame to justify it, tries to make him swallow the hook. Kame looks at him tiredly. He looks desperate for acceptance and a reason to let go. “You wouldn’t have to do anything you don’t want to. You can just stay the night if that’s what you want.”

Kame’s gaze drops to his lips before climbing back up again. His lips are parted and there’s a soft thud as he puts his glass down on the table with a shaky hand. Yamapi gulps, afraid of fucking everything up. He doesn’t want to be insensitive.

“You make me want to do something.” Kame heaves. There’s painful longing in his eyes as he stares deep into Yamapi’s. Yamapi finds his hand across the table and entwines their fingers. His palm is sweaty. Kame’s is hot. “I’m in a relationship.”

“Did you like it?” Yamapi whispers, the sound barely audible to Kame who shivers as an answer. He doesn’t look happy, doesn’t look flirtatious – he just looks true and genuine, burdened but yearning. He’s just a human being just like everyone else, he’s an owner of a heart he has carried for someone for eight long years, believing in receiving something he hasn’t gotten. “With me?”

“I couldn’t stop thinking about the cheating part,” Kame admits with a raw voice, pressing tighter with his fingers as if to hold on to him. “It… I didn’t like it. I hated it. Cheating.” Kame’s breath deepens anxiously. “If it hadn’t been for that, though… Yes. I think… Yes.”

“I’m not going to wait for you forever,” Yamapi reminds Kame with a serious tone, watches his eyes widen ever so slightly in understanding. Maybe subtle things like that are the ones that swoon and make him fall in love with him so vividly. “You’ve got to make a choice.”

“I can’t risk it. I can’t do it yet,” Kame inhales shakily. His hold loosens but Yamapi doesn’t let go, doesn’t even think about letting go. “What?”

“You don’t have to choose now,” Yamapi gulps and uses his free hand to gently swipe Kame’s hair behind his ear. The man shivers at the contact, tensing up anxiously. Yamapi can only hope he won’t run now, that he isn’t pressing too much. “But… you can… have options.”

“Options?” Kame encourages him to elaborate, his voice choked, barely leaving his mouth. Yamapi makes sure to look serious and sound serious – with someone else he wouldn’t even suggest it, or if he did he’d do it jokingly, but now isn’t the time for jokes. Kame doesn’t work like that.

“If he can do multiple people at the same time, why can’t you do two?” Yamapi suggests. He has this terrible feeling of someone sneaking up on them and hearing everything, of losing everything just when he might be about to get it all. “It’s not his privilege.”

“It’s different,” Kame insists. He doesn’t shake his head though, doesn’t seem to completely refuse his offer. He’s considering. Yamapi doesn’t think his heart has ever beaten so fast. He wonders if Kame can feel it through his hand. “Jin just sleeps around. This… would be more. This would be a relationship.”

“But it’s only one person,” Yamapi argues back, not willing to lose his chance when he’s _so close he can almost taste it_. “We’d both be on trial. You can’t make a decision if you don’t know what you could have.”

“No.”

Uncertain. Kame fidgets, turns his head away a little in refusal. He tugs on his hand but doesn’t force it away from Yamapi’s hold. He’s hesitating, afraid of choosing wrong and having to live with his decision.

He’s harbouring feelings.

“Then tell me one more thing, Kame…” Yamapi prompts him, cornering him with his demanding stare. Kame’s defiant, staring back unyieldingly. He’s almost ready to take a leap of faith, though. Yamapi just needs to pull and he’ll come along. He’s sure. “Are you happy?”

Something withers behind his eyes. His fingers curl a little, brush against Yamapi’s. The silence grows between them. He waits for Kame to break it. Please, just break it. Come out to the open, because the answer is obvious already. Has always been, perhaps.

“No,” Kame whispers through his parted lips. He looks ready to shatter but unwilling. If the eight years he’s fought for his love have given him anything, it’s strength. It’s not something anyone can get without encountering something so hard. It’s something Yamapi doesn’t have. “…I’m not.”

“That should already give you the answer,” Yamapi encourages him gently and gets up on his feet, letting go of Kame’s hand that stays on the table. Kame’s blinking, growing panicky by his sudden withdrawal. Yamapi doesn’t know what goes through his mind, what kind of awful scenarios he’s thinking of.

He thinks he doesn’t need a drink after all. This was well enough.

“I’ll see you around,” he says gently, trying to calm Kame down at least. The man looks dumbfounded and calculative – if Yamapi imagines it hard enough, he can almost hear a mechanical sound of wheels turning and squeaking against each other. He walks, though, waits, expects, _hopes_ but walks, doesn’t push it. He won’t achieve anything by pushing it too far. Not anything he’d want to have.

The silence continues. He passes by tables and gives up hope, fights not to look back at Kame and his lonely glass of whiskey, his suitcase and desperation. He tries not to think of him returning home and trying to put his belongings back so that Jin won’t suspect anything and worry. So that he won’t cause trouble.

Kame’s heart can make him such an idiot.

“Yamapi, wait,” the raised voice reaches his ears and he turns, raising his eyebrows. Kame’s up on his feet, breathless. His scotch glass has been emptied and he’s crouched down, hand fumbling for his suitcase.

Something warm spreads inside Yamapi as Kame makes his way over, wobbly on his feet. He takes the bag from Kame wordlessly and nods before heading towards the front door. Kame follows right behind him, silent and anxious but not unsure. He’s made his choice.

At the secrecy of his home, Kame kisses him. He holds his face close with his hands gently cupping it, fingers entangled in a few stray strands. The kiss is sweet, gentle and slow. Their teeth clang together at first while they clumsily seek for unity but the soft suction of Kame’s lips makes all the pain and embarrassment melt away.

The mobile phone in Kame’s back pocket vibrates insistently. They pretend like it doesn’t, holding each other close like a long lost love rediscovered. Yamapi doubts he’s ever loved someone like that.

\--

It’s Wednesday evening again. Their usual McDonalds is packed so they make their orders on the drive-thru and park the car in the parking lot where they get their meals out of the rustling brown paper bag and dig in hungrily. It’s funny how, when everything else gets so complicated, things like these will always manage to simplify themselves.

“Kame’s been spending a lot of time with you lately,” Jin notes as he licks the salt from his fingers. Yamapi hides under his cap, trying to act calm and nonchalant even though he can feel the cold sweat forming on his skin. “You get along well?”

“Yeah, I guess,” he mutters as an answer, biting out as big of a piece of his hamburger as he can possibly fit in his mouth without a choking hazard. It should buy him a justified moment of silence. Jin doesn’t seem to mind his silence, nor is he continuing with the conversation. Instead he munches on three fries at once. Shit. Yamapi forces himself to swallow before he’s even finished chewing properly. “He’s nice. A bit different from what I would’ve imagined.”

“I know, right,” Jin laughs at him, eyes sparkling mischievously. Yamapi doesn’t know how to take it. “I’m surprised you get along so well. In the beginning you barely talked to each other. Besides, he’s not really like us,” the man shrugs, sliding down the backrest of his seat like a child. “Of course I’m happy that you get along. Really happy.”

He wouldn’t be if he knew what they’re actually doing behind his back. The words really claw at him in a nasty way as he finishes his hamburger bitterly and wipes his fingers to the paper napkins. “I’m happy you got yourself someone sensible for a change,” he attempts to keep the conversation going without getting too distracted with the scolding voices in his head. “It’s so weird, it’s not your usual style.”

“Hey, that hurt!” Jin scoffs and whacks his shoulder to express his displeasure. “My exes have been sensible and really serious about me. You just never bothered seeing them that way. Just because they might’ve liked having a bit of fun –”

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Yamapi wails, having heard Jin’s defence speech too many times already. “Just save it, won’t you? It’s not like they matter anymore. To the past they belong,” he announces and takes a long sip from his Coca Cola. Jin chuckles giddily next to him. He must really be in a good mood. He wishes he could feel the same too. Nowadays it’s just a little difficult, knowing what he’s doing when Jin isn’t in the picture.

“I didn’t expect you and Kame to hit it on so well,” Jin moans as he takes the lid of his drink off and drinks a few gulps of his soda without a straw. “I’m not sure if I should be disappointed in you! I mean, he can be so anal sometimes,” Jin laughs.

The sound echoes nastily in Yamapi’s ear. For a moment he doesn’t move, just listens. He wonders where the tone of _love_ is, why it doesn’t sound like a lover’s teasing. His tone reminds him of Jin bashing some nerdy kids during their school years. It’s quite intense.

“He’s more of the _fancy_ type,” Jin continues, not reading the change in the car’s atmosphere. He’s far too lost in his demeaning introduction of his romantic partner. “He doesn’t like beer much, at home he drinks _wine_ , like those old, dusty bottles you keep in your shelf for years. What kind of self-restraint does that even require?”

“Wine’s like that,” Yamapi tries to soften the blow by standing up for Kame. “It’s like love, you know. It may not give you the fruits right away, but with a little time you can be sure it’ll be the best thing you’ve ever come across.”

“Yeah, bullshit like that,” Jin nods enthusiastically, amused by his words. “He doesn’t even like clubbing, when we were finally both old enough to get in I wanted to take him for his birthday but he refused, insisting on just going to one of those calmer bars where you just sit and talk, you know. That’s actually how I came across our usual place,” he reminisces, scratching his nose awkwardly. “I guess I never told you that. But anyway. We were walking through the city to see if any place would look interesting. Finally I lost my nerve and just walked in, bitching at him… It turned out to be quite a good place, though, so who cares.”

“Sounds like you had it hard,” Yamapi notes and thinks about the bar, tries to imagine Kame and Jin a few years back stepping inside, unaware of the atmosphere that would suck them in within minutes of entrance. It’s hard to imagine. Sometimes it’s almost easy to forget how long the pair has actually known each other. It’s weird Jin never said anything about him.

“He’s afraid of heights too. Can’t take him anywhere fun,” Jin continues his mumbling through pursed lips, his eyes cast down. “Sometimes I really feel like we’re from different worlds. It’s just that we click anyway,” Jin shrugs. “I just feel like I can’t hold back when it comes to him. He makes me want to do stuff and act all lovey-dovey. It’s fucking weird.”

“But it must be nice, right?” Yamapi insists, stuffing his empty wrappers back in the paper bag with all the unused ketchup bags. He’s jealous, he has to admit it to himself. Would it be him, he’d talk differently. He’d speak fondly of Kame’s bright smile, his playful and entrancing attitude and obsessive fascination for baseball and musicals. “Having a love like that in your life. Someone who’s willing to stick around for you, even if you do clash.”

“Hmm, sure,” Jin hums contently, still chewing on his last French fries as he helps Yamapi clean up the mess they’ve created in the car. “He can be nice when he isn’t being boring or barely understandable. I’ll see if it works out. He’s just a fucking cashier but sometimes he really acts like he’s better than me,” Jin snorts bitterly. “His family doesn’t have much money and he had a knee injury so he couldn’t play baseball during the critical years. Never got a scholarship. Not that he would’ve been particularly bright either.”

“He’s just probably been brought up more strictly,” Yamapi wonders. It’s more probable that Jin is overreacting than that Kame really is such a douchebag in denial from what he knows about the two of them so far. “Besides, if you don’t think it’ll work out, don’t you think it’d be for the best to break up before it gets too serious?”

He waits anxiously for an answer. He’s holding his breath, unable to breathe as he drops the trash bag to the legroom. Jin’s silent too, straightening up in his seat. Yamapi wonders if everything can be as easy as this, a few words and he’s got the chances for everything without anything to risk.

There’s no way miraculous things like that actually happen, though.

“Nah,” Jin finally snarls, combing his curls back with his right hand. “He’s wanted me for years already and it’s not like I wouldn’t have always liked him on some sense. It’s a big thing to just throw away, you know? I’ll let him have his chance,” the man nods, trying to act cool. “Besides, we’ve been friends for many years. It could work out. We’ve always had some trouble, he doesn’t mind. It’s nice having someone who’ll stick around anyway.”

“…I guess.”

“I’m happy you two get along. Really,” Jin nods and smiles at him. He looks tired and relieved, like he’s had way too many sleepless nights over it. “I was kind of afraid no one would. He’s so… different.”

Yamapi smiles back at his friend supportively. His anxious pulse threatens to override his other senses but he refuses to let it have the upper hand. He doesn’t have to think about the complex webs he’s threading, not now. They don’t belong in this moment.

“He’s brilliant,” he finally sighs and turns his head to look ahead, see a family walk from the restaurant back towards their car. Nothing really hits him properly. He wonders if he’s digging his grave too deep or if Jin is digging his. They could both be just as lost and hopeless when it comes to love. “He truly is.”

Jin turns the key in the lock, preparing to drive them home. He doesn’t answer anymore. Yamapi wonders if he even has the words.

\--

His worries tick along until the late hours of the night. He hazily remembers the neighbour’s baby crying with a shrieking voice that he couldn’t even drown with the sound of the shower he took after all the late night shows he could be bothered with, none of which he remembers properly anymore. There’s too much in his head, too much of Kame and him and Jin. No matter how hard he tries to think about it he isn’t able to find a pleasant conclusion for them, a way to tie up all of their feelings without anyone getting badly hurt.

First he blames himself for starting the whole mess, but a few hours later he can’t quite place the blame anymore. Who was it really that set the wheels going? Was it really him for supporting Kame, giving him an offer for something steadier to hold on to? Could it be Kame for being constantly so paranoid and actually taking up his offer even though he was supposed to deny him, were he be the perfect boyfriend he’d strived to be? What about Jin then – he’s the root of Kame’s issues, and Kame’s issues are what have created the whole mess. If Jin really cheats, is the fault then his?

His phone sits on his nightstand invitingly. He tries to ignore it by skimming through a manga he hasn’t been focused enough to finish in almost a month now. It doesn’t work though – his eyes are too tired to read the text and brains too mushy to keep up with the fast-paced plot, especially because he can’t really remember how the characters got to the situation they are in.

His mobile phone is still sitting on his nightstand, reminding him of all of the unanswered questions he has, all the issues he isn’t able to solve. He tosses the manga away anxiously and curls up, trying to resist the urge to call someone to help him sort his head out.

Who was it who activated the potential for this whole love triangle? Who are the ones supposed to stand with their heads held high in the end, or are they all going to take each other down, one by one?

He gives in and picks up the phone from his nightstand, skimming through the list of contacts before he stops to Ryo’s. He’s feeling heavy and tired, uncertain about everything himself. He sees Kame sitting at the bar with a smoke between his lips, hears Jin laughing and talking about his boyfriend without a worry in the world. There are lots of things that he doesn’t know what to think of.

His soles graze the cool floor as he sits on his bedside. Kame’s scent still lingers everywhere overwhelmingly, especially around the bed. He’s left his bracelets behind and they remind him of the man’s presence. The times they’ve spent here, surrounded by four walls.

He’s carried to the living room with his heavy legs. There’s a blanket on the couch he picks up and wraps around himself before he sits down on the rocking chair, trying to lull himself as the misery overrides him. He’s feeling insecure, protective, guilty and melancholic all at the same time.

“Pick up,” he whispers quietly as he presses the dial button and waits. There’s a lump stuck in his throat as he waits, and somehow the blanket doesn’t warm him enough. It isn’t soft enough, not like Kame’s comforting body when the man wraps his arms around him, smiling tiredly with his chin on Yamapi’s shoulder.

They’re falling in love, he knows. It doesn’t change the current situation, though. Not one bit. It only adds barely detectable stiffness to Kame’s form when Jin snakes his arm around his hip or shoulders possessively. Yamapi wonders if Kame’s feelings are changing. If he’s resisting the change or diving with it, courageous enough to let go of any safety wires he might have as protection.

The whole cheating thing is so complicated, uncertain and stressing that he just wants to get out of it already. But he can’t push it or he might break all of them. It was him who encouraged Kame to start the mess after all. Walking away isn’t an option either. Not at this point anymore.

“It’s past midnight, moron,” Ryo’s groan comes from the other end of the connection and Yamapi draws in a shaky breath, unsure of what he feels about this call. He mumbles his apologies and hears a heavy curse and shuffling – Ryo’s probably sitting up on his bed to keep awake. Yamapi hopes he can go back to sleep after this. Ryo’s sleeping isn’t always the best.

“So what is it?” the man sighs, trying to sound supporting, even if the hint of irritation doesn’t fully leave his voice. It’s Ryo, though, so it’s alright. “You’re not drunk somewhere, are you? I can’t hear traffic or people.”

“No,” Yamapi answers, curling more into himself. He curls his toes anxiously and looks out of the window – he’s forgotten to draw the curtains. It happens quite often. He can’t be bothered to get up now to close them, though. “I’ve just been wondering.”

“Wondering about what?” Ryo snarls sleepily, his voice thick. “You sound worried.” He’s not worried about this, it’s not that. He might be worried in general, but this isn’t what he’s worried about. He just wants to know the truth.

He’s ready for this. He’s doing this for himself.

He draws in a deep breath and lets his eyelids fall closed. His mouth feels completely dry by now. “Does Jin cheat?” he voices out the question. He doubts Ryo knows, but the least they could do is speculate. Maybe there’s something he’s missed through the years, something Ryo might’ve paid more attention to. He doubts Jin’s told Ryo himself about it, not if he hasn’t told him – they’re best friends, Jin and him. Ryo’s there too, but it’s not really the same. Jin is, and will always be, Jin. Maybe it’s one of the reasons why this whole commotion is so burdening sometimes.

“What?” Ryo snorts, sounding genuinely amused and confused. Yamapi gulps and opens his eyes. He rocks in the chair gently. He’s not sure if it makes him feel any better. “How come you’re suddenly so interested in that?”

“Someone told me,” Yamapi answers vaguely, not sure if he should mention that it’s Kame who told him the hearsay, even if the man has confronted Jin about it already. “They said he’s been really touchy with some girls. But he’s with Kamenashi. I’m worried.”

“Sure, he cheats.” No hesitation at all, simple statement. Something withers and dies then in his chest. His hand feels cold as he holds on to the phone, feeling miserable. It’s all wrong and confusing.

How can Jin do it when Kame is so amazing and deserves so much better?

“You think so?” he croaks shakily to the phone, sitting up straighter on the chair. It doesn’t feel like there’s enough oxygen in the room, and even if there is, it doesn’t feel worth breathing. “How come?”

“Look,” Ryo sighs. He sounds informed and knowledgeable which worries Yamapi. He feels like an outsider. How come no one ever talked with him about this? “It’s Jin’s problem. He has some issues, it makes him feel better. He didn’t want to tell you because you’d judge him. You’re a bit like… _that_ , you know.”

“Like what?” There’s a hollow feeling in his chest that spreads. For once he actually feels excluded by his friends. The bonds they share feel loose. It’s like something he’s done everything to nurture but others have ignored.

“Good, you know. Your conscience is… well… You make things black and white sometimes,” Ryo tries to explain sleepily with a grunt. “Look, he just doesn’t want you to think lowly of him. He’d tell you but he’s a scared asshole, you know how he can be sometimes. He respects your opinion, which is exactly why he doesn’t want it. You wouldn’t get it. You don’t understand things like these.”

“I don’t?”

“You don’t,” Ryo presses strongly. “Try to sleep on it, will you?” he suggests, sounding very nonchalant about their topic. Ryo’s always had something of a superiority complex. Sometimes it shows. His advice is good a lot of the time when he really means it.

“Yeah,” Yamapi agrees. He doesn’t know if he can, though. Tonight doesn’t feel like his night. He rarely has problems, but now he does. Kamenashi’s worries are starting to become his worries. “What about Kamenashi?” he spurts out, unable to stop himself.

The silence drags on. Ryo’s breathing, taking his time to articulate an answer of sorts for him.

“He just has to live with it if he can’t get it out of Jin.”

“That simple?” Yamapi chuckles darkly. He feels offended for Kame’s sake. There are moments when he doesn’t click with his friends and their ideology. Perhaps he’s too much of a romantic. Ryo is strictly realistic. “’He just has to live with it’?”

“Sticking around is his own choice, no one is making him,” Ryo hums sleepily. There’s more shuffling – he’s probably half-asleep again, head resting on the pillow. He’s not disconnecting, though. Maybe he does have a worrying tone then. He hopes he isn’t too obvious.

He shouldn’t keep Ryo up if he’s so tired. There’s nothing the man can do anymore either, other than possibly infuriate him. No one can do anything. Not when Kame is sleeping next to a man he’s hopelessly in love with, a man who treats him like trash.

His eyes burn. He sniffs a little and bites his lip, trying to hold back his emotions. Ryo’s quiet, either listening to the quiet sounds he’s making worriedly or falling asleep without a care. He doesn’t know. It’s hard to know with Ryo, because it really could be either.

“Good night,” he finally mumbles. “I’m sorry I woke you up.”

“It’s okay,” the other man yawns as an answer. “Try to get some sleep. Good night to you too.”

The line disconnects. His eyes sting but the tears won’t come. He’s exhausted beyond belief and he’s supposed to have energy to run around and have a look out for children all day long at work today. Children, the fruits of happy relationships. Actual commitment.

His head hurts so much.

He gets up from the chair and discards the blanket. He doesn’t bother with the curtains, he’s going to open them in the morning anyway. The sound of the dishwasher hums, breaking the silence. The apartment feels empty.

He crashes back into bed and buries his head in his pillow, which smells like Kame. He’s still got his phone in his hands and he contemplates about texting the man. Should he even push his luck and do something stupid and courageous like clearly confess his love in the text message?

In the end he doesn’t, though. Kame’s got enough problems already and besides, he’s probably sleeping soundly. He’s warm and at peace, wrapped in arms of a person who loves him too, just like he does. As long as he’s sleeping he’s got everything he could ever want apart from Yamapi. Yamapi who’s here, alone, unable to do else than think of him in pain.

Maybe it’s the hope of them being together that gives him so much pain. If that’s the case, he’s dug his own grave. There’s no one else he can blame for it, not even Kame for taking his offer. He’d been the one who should’ve kept his head clear.

If Kame would just leave Jin, some of the pain could be over. He wouldn’t have to worry so much over a relationship that isn’t even his.

It takes him a while, but he does dose off. He sleeps soundly, and when he wakes up, he has no recollection of the dream’s he’s had during the night. The bed might be empty, but it’s warm and the scent that lingers is calming.

Getting up is harder.

\--

He picks Kame up from the café. It’s raining quite heavily but Kame’s got his clear umbrella protecting him from the majority of the raindrops. His jeans are slightly wet from knee down though, and the water from the puddles forming on the ground splashes as he makes his way over to the passenger’s seat, pulls the door open and steps in, shaking the majority of the water off his umbrella.

“Evening,” Yamapi greets fondly, watching as Kame stuffs the umbrella next to his feet and slams the door shut before turning to face him. He’s smiling, gentle yet radiant as he leans over, hand on Yamapi’s cheek as he greets him with a brief kiss.

The rain drums against the windshield and Yamapi smiles against Kame’s lips. He feels comfortable as they withdraw to sit back in their own seats, smiles on their faces. Nowadays Kame’s relaxed during their encounters as well, genuinely delighted to spend some time together.

He talks to Kame about the children as he drives home. He tells him silly little stories like how Rikako-chan received her first innocent little peck from Masami-kun and how Tomoya-kun cried when he was too scared to climb down from the little tree in the yard where he had gotten himself to. The radio plays classics on the background calmingly and it’s all good. Kame listens, takes part in the conversation by talking about his adorable niece who sounds just as stubborn and special as Kame himself.

At home they get cosy on the couch, wrapped up in each other. Kame’s fingers are threading through his hair affectionately while Yamapi listens to his heartbeat, letting it lull himself into a comfortable haze. He thinks about Kame, thinks about him and Jin. Thinks about Jin cheating.

Things would be so much better if Kame realised that he was the one. Everyone could finally fix themselves, let go of the heavy weights they’re carrying over their shoulders. He wonders if Jin would ever forgive him – he probably would, once he’d realise that it’s not what he wants after all, because there’s no way it can be if he doesn’t love Kame enough to commit.

Kame never knew of better, not before him at least. He tells him about some relationships he’s had in the past while struggling with a difficult Jin determined to do everything but step down from his high spot to become his. Tells about strained relationships, not being able to give enough, have it all slide through his fingers like water. It’s moments like those when Yamapi kisses him and searches for eye contact, makes sure Kame knows he isn’t going anywhere because he has enough, and even if this weren’t enough, he knows he’s acquiring more with every meeting they have. He knows he’s wrapping himself around Kame’s heart, feels it when they cuddle up or have sex. Everything’s different compared to when they started off. Kame’s melting.

“I’ve been thinking,” Kame says quietly when it’s nearing eleven o’clock already and they both know he should start getting home soon before Jin starts suspecting something. “About us,” he mumbles and licks his lips. Yamapi pecks the mole on his forearm and entwines their fingers on Kame’s lap. “Whether this is smart or not.”

“Uh huh,” Yamapi prompts him to go on, trying to hide his anxiousness. He’s pretty sure Kame isn’t going to break up with him though, not this fast. Not that they could even break up, when they never agreed on ‘being together’ in the first place. “So?”

“I don’t know. Nowadays I don’t really know much,” Kame sighs heavily, extending and curling the fingers of his hand holding Yamapi’s. “It’s weird. Not knowing,” he continues with a slight strain in his voice. Yamapi lies down on the couch to rest his head on Kame’s lap. “Don’t you think so?”

“I don’t think it is,” Yamapi sighs, kissing Kame’s knuckles. “But I don’t think this is enough,” he admits, deciding it’s alright to voice out his opinion, guide Kame to the right direction because it’s where they’re already going anyway. He doesn’t know much about the future, he has no idea whether their relationship will be once and for all or just a phase before Kame realises there’s a much wider world out there without either of them. Still, for now, none of this feels like enough. “This thing between us.”

“But would more be right?” Kame ponders, tilting his head apathetically. He’s lost somewhere far away in his thoughts, but Yamapi’s still his anchor, giving him a tiny speck of reality, this moment right here. “What if we both find out it’s not what we want after all?”

“Then we’ll let go of it, of course,” Yamapi tells softly and raises his free hand to caress Kame’s cheek. It feels soft against his fingers, giving in to his touch. Kame’s looking at him. He looks serious about this conversation. “Go see the world. Find where we belong.”

“Do you think we’ll find where we belong?” Kame asks silently, looking at the window. It’s still raining and the raindrops are drawing lines on the glass as they race down, colliding and merging. “How do we know when we get there?”

Yamapi needs a moment to think in silence. He listens to their breathing as he wonders about it, all of it. This and everything he might ever imagine. “We don’t want to leave,” is what he finally settles for. “We’ll know nothing will ever make us feel like that.”

“Like what?” Kame urges him to go on. He squeezes his hand, searching for confirmation and Yamapi thinks that maybe it’s here – maybe this is where they belong, together. He closes his eyes and feels it, the atmosphere and Kame’s presence, wondering if they’ll soon come across the final discovery.

“Like we belong,” he answers with a certain voice and lets the feeling spread in his chest. “As simple as that.”

Kame pushes him off his lap and lies on top of him, curled up over his chest. Yamapi hardly ever thinks things are perfect because there’s no way something like that can exist, but he thinks this comes very, very close. He caresses Kame’s back and looks at his ruffled hair spread all over his chest, wondering how Kame can still hesitate about this.

“I should go home,” Kame says but he doesn’t move. Yamapi hugs him closer against him and looks at the window. “I really should.”

“It’s raining, though,” Yamapi offers him helpfully in a soft voice. Kame wants an excuse, something that sounds reasonable enough. He exhales deeply over Yamapi’s chest as Yamapi draws circles on his scalp. “You could stay.”

“Because it’s raining?” Kame mumbles thoughtfully. “Hmm. I might’ve misplaced my umbrella, though. You don’t want me to get soaked and ill. You’re caring like that.” Yamapi chuckles amusedly as an answer. It sounds good enough, as long as Jin doesn’t decide to pick Kame up.

Kame fishes out his mobile phone from his pocket and starts typing the text. Yamapi doesn’t see what he’s writing, but he sees colourful rows of emoticons and exclamation marks flooding the screen. He chuckles in Kame’s nape and holds his hips gently.

When Kame finishes, he slips the phone back in his pocket and turns to lie over him with their chests pressed together. Yamapi smiles at him as he tilts his head for another moist kiss. The wet sound of their lips echoes temptingly between them, making their cheeks flush. Yamapi buries his fingers in Kame’s hair and breathes against his lips in between the kisses, in between Kame’s heated nibs and pulls.

He wonders if this whole love triangle is dangerously nearing its end. If it is, though, he might just as well stand at the end to collect the prize with his chest about to explode.

\--

The times they spend with all three of them around are the hardest now. He recalls how they used to be with Kame and Jin snuggling up to each other and him sitting, feeling lonely and alone from afar. Now, though, it’s more than that because _now_ Kame spends a great deal of time staring at him even when Jin’s talking to him. There’s an obvious strain on their relationship.

They’re partying in a big group at a club. Tonight isn’t for much conversation – it’s for getting piss drunk, dancing and hooking up if not already taken. A few of their married friends are around too, and quite a few others too. Uchi and Jin are chatting about something near the bar counter and Ryo is dancing with some girl so it’s easy for Kame to tug on Yamapi’s hand and pull him through the crowd somewhere more secluded like for a smoke outside.

“How’s it going? Between you two,” Yamapi finally decides to ask. They’re alone now with no one eaves dropping on them, and he feels better about this, having intimate conversation with the younger man. Kame’s lips press tightly together and he releases the smoke through his nose.

“Don’t,” he simply mutters before taking another drag. He’s stressed and anxious, Yamapi knows, because Kame doesn’t usually smoke much. He’s more prone to it when under pressure. “Just don’t. Please.”

“Okay then,” Yamapi answers with a sigh and falls silent again. He takes the cigarette from Kame and takes a drag himself before returning it to Kame who’s quick to inhale more. It’s quite nerve-wrecking. The light atmosphere is gone, and so is the little electric pull between them.

Kame looks exhausted. Yamapi might’ve had a few drinks, but he’s sober enough to understand that Kame isn’t exactly in a party mood. He wonders why he didn’t cancel, but then again he doesn’t – he’s here with Jin after all.

“Being the driver sucks,” Kame laughs bitterly as he takes another cigarette from his case and lights it up. “I feel excluded, you know. Everyone else is getting drunk and having fun and I just don’t feel like anything is fun anymore. It’s frustrating.”

“Hmm,” Yamapi hums softly, letting Kame know that he’s listening. Kame leans against the wall and closes his eyes, the end of the cigarette burning red in his hands. There are dark bags under his eyes, something he hasn’t quite detected inside the club yet. Must be all the lights.

The eyeliner really suits him though. Yamapi takes his hand and entwines their fingers. Kame doesn’t resist. He opens his eyes and looks at him. He really doesn’t look happy. Yamapi squeezes his hand a bit more tightly, and Kame’s lips turn upwards, even if it doesn’t reach his eyes.

“Is everything alright?” he asks quietly. Kame nods and takes another drag before moving to stand in front of him. He embraces him softly and buries his face in Yamapi’s chest. It makes Yamapi nervous – he isn’t drunk enough to feel calm about hugging Kame when Jin and the others might show up any second, when they are _so close_ with just a wall behind them.

“I’m just having a bad day,” Kame finally sighs and withdraws. The cigarette returns to his lips and he’s brushing his exposed forearms anxiously, probably starting to get cold. “I’m sorry. I’m alright, just frustrated.”

“Good,” Yamapi nods, unsure of how he should behave. The conversation dies and Kame finishes his cigarette in silence. He stomps it and they start heading back inside, Kame walking in front of him. The music is starting to hurt Yamapi’s ears and he thinks he needs another drink, but wonders if it will offend Kame even more. He doesn’t want him to feel too excluded.

“Where’s Jin?” Kame asks as they make their way back to the table. Shige and Koyama are having a drinking game, which Koyama is rapidly losing. The others are cheering them on. Jin isn’t anywhere to be seen, though. Yamapi can spot Ryo still on the dance floor, along with a few others.

Kame looks stiff and anxious. Yamapi puts a hand on his shoulder. “Don’t worry,” he tells him with a sure voice. “He’s probably just off dancing somewhere. Or at the bathroom.”

“Yeah,” Kame answers, eyes wide and angry. He’s tight-lipped as he folds his arms and sits down on the couch with the others. Yamapi doesn’t – there’s no space left for him. He looks at Shige and Koyama go for more drinks and people throwing more bets on the table.

It’s really loud, but Kame’s really silent. He looks like a ticking time-bomb, ready to explode. Yamapi kind of wants to take him away but he doesn’t dare with the aura the man has. He’s intimidating as minutes pass by and Koyama finally loses. Others start hurrying him towards the bathroom as he feels sick and wobbly. Yamapi is just about to sit down when Kame gets up on his feet and moves.

“Where are you going?” he asks, turning around to look after the man who’s pushing through the crowd. He waves his hand to the others as he jogs after the man. He doesn’t look stable enough mentally to move around alone, for the good of everyone who might irritate him further. It’s kind of funny considering the fact that Kame’s probably one of the rare few people in the bar completely sober.

“I’m looking for Jin,” the man snaps back at him. “Just go back, I’ll be back once I find him. He’s taking awhile, he might be puking somewhere again. He goes overboard sometimes.” Kame’s right about it, but his words feel empty and soulless. He’s genuinely worried though, but it’s more at the verge of his paranoia again. Yamapi grabs him by his wrists and forces him to stop. Some people collide against them, apologize and wander away. Kame’s staring at him furiously, eyes sparkling under the strobe lights. They’re glossy.

“He wouldn’t,” Yamapi tells him calmly. “Take it easy.”

”Don’t tell me to take it easy,” Kame snorts coldly and glares at him, yanking his hands away. “You trust people too easily. Well, sometimes they aren’t to be trusted. You and I are a perfect example of that, too.”

His words hurt and Yamapi grimaces. The DJ changes the track to some upbeat one and people cheer, rush to the dance floor. There’s laughter and chattering everywhere, people having a good time. Then there’s Kame. Kame, who looks like he might tear the world into pieces if prompted enough.

“Stop that,” Yamapi tries as Kame starts pushing through the crowd again, trying to look around in his search for his boyfriend. It’s hurtful and offending when he’s _right here_ and Jin’s seriously probably just in the bathroom. Or maybe they just didn’t bump into each other as Jin went out for a smoke. There’s really no saying. “Kame, _stop that_ ,” he tries again and wraps his fingers around Kame’s wrist. The man’s breathing is rapid and anxious. He’s really losing it.

“I need to find him,” Kame announces to him, looking lost and irrational. If he didn’t know that the man was completely sober, he’d start suspecting drug use. He doesn’t think the crowd is doing miracles for Kame. Clubs aren’t his place. Not really. “If you have to stay around, help me find him. Just. Please,” he gasps shakily, looking around again. “I shouldn’t ask this from you. But I just need to find him.”

“He could be back at the table,” Yamapi suggests softly, trying to remain calm because Kame isn’t and he really needs someone to keep him sane right now. He’s never seen him like this before. “We could check?” he suggests but Kame shakes his head anxiously.

“Bathrooms. He could be in the bathrooms,” the younger man reasons and starts making his way to the nearest one. Yamapi sighs and follows, deciding it might actually be worth a try. He’s taking his sweet time if that’s the case, though.

Kame steps in the men’s bathroom. He eyes through the people washing their hands or taking a piss at the urinals, one hardly standing up and missing the urinal by a lot. “Jin?” he calls out and walks towards the stalls, knocking on the occupied doors. “Jin, are you here?”

No answer. Yamapi shrugs at Kame who turns on his heels and heads out. Yamapi jogs after him and tries not to let too many people between them so that he won’t lose sight of the man. He really doesn’t look good.

“There’s still one bathroom on the second floor,” Yamapi notes and Kame looks around, searching for the staircase. He finally locates the spiral stairs at the far corner and starts heading over. He looks close to tears. They must’ve had it pretty rough at home then, he assumes. Bad enough for Kame to be genuinely scared of Jin doing something stupid.

“It’s alright, Kame, really,” he tries to reassure Kame, even though it’s not really working in his favour. He doesn’t care about idiotic selfish shit like that now, though. All he cares about is Kame calming down and feeling better. “You could try to call him.”

“Call,” Kame realises and fishes the phone from his pocket. “But it’s too loud,” he finally notes anxiously, looking around helplessly. “There’s no way he’ll hear it. Or I’ll hear what he’s saying and vice versa.” He has a point. In the end he texts him quickly before putting his phone back in his pocket and continuing his way.

“Aren’t you waiting for him to answer?” Yamapi tries desperately, walking beside him. “We could go and sit down, wait for him to come back. Who knows, he could be looking for you too.”

“He might not. He might not even answer,” Kame stutters anxiously with a shaky voice. “It’s a good excuse, isn’t it? ‘I didn’t hear it.’ Doesn’t that sound easy to you?” It does, Yamapi has to admit to himself, but there’s no way he’ll say it aloud. Kame’s feeding on the paranoia in his own words as he runs to the excluded corridor with a bathroom sign. It’s dim with just a few neon green lights illuminating the corridor. The bathrooms are for both sexes, actual rooms rather than stalls. Yamapi gets the chills and hopes to god Jin won’t actually be here, because the place is shady enough as it is.

“He’s not here,” he tries to tell Kame. “Come on, let’s go,” he continues. Kame’s swallowing anxiously, unable to see inside the toilets. “Kame,” Yamapi calls for him again, trying to help him snap out of it. Kame turns his head to him and starts walking again, god knows where this time.

A door opens. Yamapi turns his head by instinct before colliding into Kame who’s frozen on spot. Jin steps out with his hair ruffled. Kame stares at him, alarmed. Jin looks like he’s caught doing something bad.

He wouldn’t, would he? Not really. Jin’s looking at him too before starting to walk over but Kame pushes his way past him and yanks the door open, revealing a woman who looks startled. She throws her bag over her shoulder and walks away, heels clanking, not even saying a word to Kame’s blank face, only glaring at him like he’s some kind of pervert.

It’s silent. Yamapi looks at Jin, meets his gaze. Jin’s eyes are wide and alarmed. There’s really no question in what he’s been doing, none at all. It’s so painfully obvious it’s shocking. No matter how many warnings he’s gotten about this he doesn’t think he would’ve been able to prepare himself to comprehend it.

Kame’s far worse, though. He isn’t turning around, isn’t doing anything. Jin runs his hand through his hair and turns towards his boyfriend, drunk but aware of the explosive nature of the situation.

Yamapi feels like he’s butting in to something personal. He shouldn’t be here. Not for this.

“Kame, let’s go home,” Jin suggests. He looks like a puppy waiting for a beating, shoulders raised and stiff. Kame takes a step back from the door but doesn’t turn around.

Yamapi wonders if he’s crying.

“Baby,” Jin croaks and walks over to his boyfriend, steps faster than usually. He tries to place a hand on Kame’s shoulder but the man shoves it away shakily, still speechless. Now he’s turned around though, eyes glistening and face white. He doesn’t look like he’s about to break down and cry, though.

Yamapi’s never seen Jin as scared as he looks when Kame glares at him furiously before stumbling his way past him, refusing to look back. Kame looks both alert and in a haze, trying to figure out his own emotions. “Kame, it’s not like that,” Jin tries and moves again, takes a few steps towards them. Kame turns around to face him, eyes flaming hell’s fire. “Kazu, I’m _so sorry_. Can we just please go home now?”

"You know what, Jin, it's alright," Kame spits at him with his face morphed into furious disgust. "It's fucking alright," he chuckles darkly and locks arms with Yamapi who feels cold tremors running through his body. Kame looks at him, searching for confirmation, urging him to take a leap of faith, follow his heart and abandon one of his oldest friendships for a beautiful thing called love.

He looks at Jin who, unsurprisingly, doesn't understand. His eyes are wide and he still looks breathless, dishevelled and panicky as he stands there with his hair in disarray, only barely managing not to make a pitiful lunge at Kame, who looks like he can shoot deadly shards of ice with his eyes.

Jin has crossed the line, Yamapi understands. He can feel the slight tremors of Kame's body, feel him gruesomely breaking underneath his uncaring mask. Yamapi gulps and entwines their fingers, feels Kame hold on to them tightly as he turns to Jin again, Jin who looks startled and disbelieving.

"I can do better than you," Kame states, his eyes glossy if Yamapi looks at them hard enough. "We're over," the faithful gasp leaves Kame's lips. He sounds breathless too, kind of out of what he's actually doing. It's for the best, though, Yamapi knows. It'd break him as well to see Kame continue being treated the way he is. "I'm done with you."

“Kazu,” Jin murmurs quietly, his eyes wide like a deer’s. He looks from Kame to Yamapi, who wishes Jin would look a little more angry and a little less confused and desperate. “You can’t –”

“I can,” Kame corrects him with a snort, his lips tightly pressed together. “It’s over.” He tastes the words in his mouth like they don’t belong there, surprised by his own action but unyielding. He’s strong, a person who can tackle Mount Everest filled with bloodthirsty beasts if necessary. Jin might be his biggest challenge yet, but he’s frozen Kame’s warm core. He’s humiliated and disregarded him, something he doesn’t tolerate very well.

“I can have someone else too,” Kame speaks, his words slurring together painfully as he looks at Yamapi again. Jin seems to finally question the nature of their relationship. Yamapi flinches, feels Kame let go of his hand to tug him a bit closer and wrap his arm around his hips. It’s clear now, out in the open. Jin looks pale, on the verge of breaking. “I’m done with your shit.”

“I love you,” Jin insists with a low and shaky voice, hands shaking. “I need you. You know I’ve always loved you. You know that.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Kame answers, trying to swallow back his tears. His squeeze tightens worryingly. He’s looking for more strength, support, Yamapi knows. Yamapi drapes his own arm around Kame’s lower back and swallows harshly, trying to shake off Jin’s miserable begging. Kame can’t give in now. He needs him. Kame is the victim here.

“Let’s go,” he suggests quietly. Kame blinks furiously, masking his sorrow with despise. He doesn’t turn his eyes away from Jin as Yamapi starts dragging him away. Jin finally moves, rushing after them desperately, air knocked out of his lungs.

“KAME!” he exclaims and Yamapi speeds up, dragging Kame through the crowd so harshly the man snaps out of his daze to pick up the speed and make sure he doesn’t collide with anyone. Kame’s grip on his hand makes him fear for his bones but it’s alright – the look in Kame’s eyes is frantic and he can hear the sound of Jin dashing after them, not too far behind.

They crash through the doors without collecting their coats from the cloakroom. The sound of traffic is overwhelming and then it’s Kame guiding him, more alert with his surroundings. He’s pushed into the car and the door slams shut. He raises his head, pants and watches from the window as Kame runs to the driver’s seat. Then he’s inside, shoving the key in with trembling hands, missing the slot several times before managing to start the engine.

He jumps in his seat as palms slam against his window. Jin. He’s knocking and speaking something but Kame turns the radio on before Yamapi manages to make out his words. He looks at Kame who’s staring at Jin wildly and challengingly, pressing the gas pedal with his foot.

Jin jumps back before running again, stopping in front of the car so that Kame has to brake. Kame roars in fury and opens the window just a bit, bellowing obscenities at Jin, demanding him to _get the fuck off the road_ or he’s going to drive over him.

Yamapi wouldn’t put it past him. Not when he watches him. Kame shouldn’t be behind the wheel in this condition. He might as well kill them all.

“Kame, please,” Jin slurs speedily, his palms pressed against Kame’s window. He’s crouched down, his face not many centimetres apart from the glass. His eyes have a red tinge but Kame’s glaring at him with a clear message, his stubborn mind refusing to be changed. “Don’t go. Please, don’t go. We can fix this, you know we can, _we can do it_.”

“I’ve tried to fix it for eight fucking years, right from the start,” Kame answers with a furiously trembling voice, a tear making its way down his cheek. “Maybe you should’ve thought about that _then_. You’re a bit too late now.”

“Kame, don’t,” Jin tries with a firmer voice. He tries the door handle but Kame’s locked it already, foreseeing Jin’s desperate action. He presses the gas again and the car jolts forwards. Jin stumbles a little, still trying to keep up. “KAME! FOR FUCK’S SAKE, LET’S TALK! Talk to me, Kame, don’t – ”

The corners of Kame’s mouth turn miserably downwards but his gaze is determined as he drives. Yamapi watches from the mirror as Jin’s form gets smaller and smaller as it falls behind, still running as fast as his body lets him. He feels awfully hollow, unable to say a word. Kame turns the volume up until he can’t even focus on his own thoughts properly.

Kame wipes the tear from his cheek as he drives. Yamapi considers telling him to pull over, insisting on driving because Kame isn’t calm now. He’s sure Kame will refuse, though – driving is the only thing that lets him keep himself collected right now. He turns the wheel, watches the signs and observes the other cars carefully. They’re not driving to Jin’s place but Yamapi’s – Kame is planning on staying over for the time being, then. It’s good. He’d worry otherwise.

Yamapi grits his teeth together and turns the radio down. Kame glances at him briefly, his breathing speeding up. Yamapi leans back against the backrest of his seat and looks forward, trying to calm himself down too.

“It’s going to be alright, you know,” he notes with a sure voice. Kame blinks his eyes as he stops at the red lights. He watches the cars drive past them. Yamapi takes one of his hands from the wheel, rubs it gently with his thumb and locks eyes with Kame who’s still a shaky mess under the stubbornness.

“I promise,” he says slowly, tasting every syllable in his mouth and knowing that he means it. Kame smiles at him a bit, even though his attempt ends up looking a bit bitter. Yamapi kisses his knuckles and lets go, letting Kame position his hand back on the wheel. “You can count on me.”

“I’m counting on you,” Kame nods, sounding strained and determined. “For god’s sake, I’m really counting on you right now.”

“I won’t let you down,” Yamapi assures him, his heart hammering in his chest guiltily. “It’s about time you got loved properly, isn’t it?”

The light turns from red to green and Kame instinctively presses on the pedal again. His eyes are gleaming before his tears start falling. His crying is unsettling but understandable. It must hurt, still. Yamapi can only hope Kame can see the road from behind his tears.

“Yeah,” the younger man croaks behind his choked sobs. “I guess.”

He’s sniffing and crying for the rest of the ride while Yamapi sits and listens to the radio. There’s a podcast about the current hits, none of which he particularly likes. Once they arrive at his place and get out of the car, he takes the car keys from Kame, wraps his arm around his shoulder and guides him inside.

Kame locks himself in the bathroom for a few hours. He’s got the shower on but it doesn’t hide his sobs. He wonders what he should feel, what _Kame_ feels.

He can only hope to make it better.

\--

Kame never goes back home to collect his belongings. He refuses to let Yamapi take the honour because he’s not some helpless maiden whose prince charming has to do all the heavy lifting. He simply chooses not to, because he wants nothing to do with the place anymore, or the memories for that matter. He buys himself hygiene necessities from the nearby convenience store and borrows Yamapi’s clothes until he has more money to afford new ones. The pay for a café servant isn’t particularly high. He’s used to minimalistic living.

The endless phone calls and voice mails from Jin to both of them are maybe the hardest. Kame does his best to act nonchalant but his act is failing and there are days when he doesn’t turn his mobile on at all just because he needs a break. Yamapi turns his own one on vibrate and stops listening to the voicemails after a few particularly nasty drunken threats and verbal abuse.

_What the fuck have you done, Pi_ , reads a text from Ryo. He isn’t mad, though, not mostly. He stops by one evening when Kame’s out with his friends to have a few bottles of beer and talk things out, hear his version of the story. It’s better than Jin’s outraged version flooded with curse words and odd English slang. He isn’t doing very well, apparently. Then again, he’d dug his own grave. He’s only got himself to blame, even Ryo agrees.

He doesn’t expect to find Jin inside his home one day when he comes back from work, though. He hasn’t expected the man to grow the balls to actually come within a mile from his doorstep, but sometimes he might really underestimate his ex-friend, he assumes as the sound of his voice floods his ears as soon as he opens the front door. It’s so loud no one notices his presence. He feels sick to his gut.

“I need you, Kazu,” Jin’s voice begs. His tone is sweet and husky but it lacks the sexual edge. He’s not here for a booty call, not judging by his tone. He’s got something much more important on the line. “Baby, please. I’m _so sorry_.”

“Don’t call me baby,” Kame snorts coldly. His voice is shaky and threatens to break, just like his shattered emotions under the strong façade he keeps putting up. Yamapi starts walking slowly towards the muffled voices. His blood is starting to boil hotly in his veins. Jin must seriously have guts to walk in here and beg Kame to come back after all he’s done.

“Can we talk about it?” Jin’s voice asks desperately. It’s an octave or so higher than usually – he’s feeling really edgy. “I’ll tell you the truth. I’ll admit to it, I’ll seriously spend the rest of my life making it up to you. Just please come back. I’ll never do it again. This time I’ll really stop, I swear. This time it won’t happen again!”

“Just save it.” There’s a rustle, a sound of a struggle and Yamapi feels the fury kicking in as he follows the sounds, passes through the kitchen and on to the bedroom where Kame has shoved Jin to the ground where he sits breathlessly, eyes wide and teary.

“Get the fuck out of here,” he growls dangerously from the doorframe, eyes glued to Jin’s form. Jin stumbles up on his feet, hardening up. He’s lost, mad and hurt beyond belief as he starts walking closer to him, the corners of his lips tugging upwards bitterly. Yamapi tries to swallow the lump in his throat.

They obviously aren’t friends anymore. Those feelings are nearly gone as they face each other, both pairs of eyes cold and cruel. This is his home, though, and this is his relationship now too. It’s Jin’s own fault for fucking everything up. He could’ve had what he wanted had he not thrown it away so easily. He isn’t about to do the same mistake. He’s more sensible than Jin.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing, huh?” Jin spits at him and Yamapi barely has the time to take a step back to the kitchen area to dodge Jin’s furious fist about to collide with his cheekbone. His heart hammers in his chest as he raises his hands to protect himself from the blows, just in case Jin’s still up for that.

“I could ask the same from you,” Yamapi barks, feeling his protective instincts kicking in. Kame’s getting himself back together, and he doesn’t seem particularly impressed by them acting all macho against each other. There’s no helping it, though. Not with the painful feelings and betrayals hanging in the air between them.

Jin’s eyes flash spite as he takes another step forward, ready to smash him into a pulp. Yamapi dodges the blow coming his way and grabs Jin’s fist, embracing himself for what will probably prove to be the worst fight they’ve ever had.

“HE WAS _MY BOYFRIEND_!” Jin roars at him and yanks his fist away. Yamapi takes the next punch with his arm, clenching his muscles to take the worst edge of it off. He can still swear there’s a bruise forming as he draws his own fist back furiously. He doesn’t have the time to deliver his attack before Jin’s fist sinks in his stomach, knocking the air out of his lungs.

Yamapi coughs and feels his knees give in. He curls up helplessly as Jin kicks his back with all his might, unable to withhold his hurt feelings. “HE WAS MY MOTHERFUCKING _BOYFRIEND_ , YOU SHIT HOLE! I TRUSTED YOU! YOU HAD NO RIGHT! You had _no fucking right_...!”

“Get off him,” Kame’s determined voice cuts in and Jin’s next attempt to punch him fails. From the corner of his eye Yamapi sees a foot with painted fingernails kicking the man’s arm out of aim. There’s a struggle, swearwords and when Yamapi has backed away enough to get back on his feet to lick his wounds, he turns to see Kame holding a sobbing Jin forcibly in his arms.

He doesn’t remember the last time he saw his friend cry, and he doubts it’s ever been quite like this. It’s raw, ugly and scary as Jin buries his face in Kame’s shoulder, fists clenched but arms trapped in Kame’s. “You cheated on me,” he cries with a quiet and broken voice that sends tremors running up Yamapi’s spine. All he can do is stare and internalize the weight of the pair’s feelings, what he’s really ended up messing with.

Kame hushes Jin swiftly and runs his shaky fingers through his hair, keeping his head safely on his shoulder to face away from Yamapi, in case it sparks up his aggression again. He looks at Yamapi’s eyes, looking shaken but in control of his feelings. It’d be more calming if he didn’t hold Jin so close to him.

“Jin, I think you should leave,” he speaks softly, his voice strained but calm. “Just go. You’re scaring me.” The sound of reason. It’s good that someone here has it, even under all the pressure. Yamapi can’t really access his.

Jin flinches in Kame’s arms and looks up at him. He’s gasping for air, face painted with red splotches. Kame snorts a little and lets go of him experimentally, wondering warily if it’s a safe move. “Don’t be a baby,” he scoffs, close to looking bitter and pissed again. “Just suck it up and go. You’re the last person who has the right to come here and complain about that.”

“You don’t love me anymore,” Jin hiccups, his voice shaky with the fear he’s mothering. “You’re not in love with me anymore.” Yamapi hears the forthcoming sobs that rack his body. His own vision goes blurry and he gasps for air.

“Go home,” Kame answers determinately. His lips are tightly pressed together as he turns Jin around gently with his hands and starts guiding him towards the foyer. “Get downstairs and call a taxi, don’t drive in this condition. Or use the underground. Just be careful when you cross the roads.”

Tears fall from Jin’s eyes, slide down his face and drop from his chin. “I’ll fucking kill him,” he whispers hollowly, eyes empty as he turns around in the foyer to look back inside the house to see Yamapi standing still at the end of the narrow corridor. Kame sighs and turns Jin’s head to him with his hands, catching his attention again.

“No, you won’t,” he tells him softly. “We both know you won’t.” Jin’s lip quivers. He looks broken beyond repair as Kame opens the door for him and helps him out. Jin’s eyes are wide as he witnesses the possible closing scene of the love of his life.

“Please,” he still whispers, not believing in the power of his words anymore even himself. Yamapi sees Kame shake his head, his hair waving slightly with the motion. He draws in a shaky breath himself, tears making their way down his face.

“Good bye, Jin,” Kame whispers softly before he pulls the door closed in front of the crying man’s face. He turns around to see Yamapi biting his knuckles, trying to contain the sudden punch of guilt. “Yamapi,” he sighs and walks over to pull Yamapi close too. Yamapi lets his eyelids slide closed as Kame rocks him comfortingly. He can’t help thinking that the comforting should go the other way around.

“A-are you alright?” he forces himself to ask Kame as he holds on to him, trying to force himself to calm down by getting his breathing back under control and biting back his tears. Kame nods in his arms and withdraws a little to press a kiss on his forehead. “Are you sure?”

“He just caught me off guard,” Kame murmurs. Yamapi gulps, examining Kame’s facial expression for hints of a breakdown. Kame bumps their noses together and closes his eyes. His breath warmly tingles on his skin.

Kame doesn’t look happy, though. He’s almost void of emotion as he strokes Yamapi’s hair. The touch feels unnatural and forced. Yamapi wonders when it turned into that, when this thing between them turned into this endless _apathy_.

“Do you still love him?” he splutters, unable to hold back his own fear. His question is unfair, he knows – of course Kame does, a feeling so great and overwhelming won’t die just like that, not in a few silly days. It’s barely been a week. His wounds are still fresh. There’s no way Kame doesn’t.

“Yamapi,” the man sighs heavily. There are dark circles drawn around his eyes, visual proofs of his constant inner struggle. “It’s not that simple.” It probably isn’t and he should respect that, respect Kame’s feelings. It’d just be easier if he didn’t have to come home to see Jin lashing out and begging him to come back. He doesn’t want to face the weak foundations of their relationship when he himself is so hopelessly devoted.

“Why not?” he finally snarls anxiously, squeezing Kame’s shoulders. Kame’s eyes avert and he purses his lips, not particularly eager to let Yamapi under his skin like that. It’s unfair. They’re in a relationship now, they should talk about this. “Can you move on? Are you trying?”

“ _I’m trying_ ,” Kame snaps at him and pushes his hands away. He’s stressed and flipping and for a good reason too – he’s got too much going on in his head already without both Jin and Yamapi cornering him, demanding his love and understanding. “I just need to figure myself out first, alright?” he continues, shrugging as he takes a few steps back, rubbing his hands together. “People usually get a break after the end of a relationship to get themselves back together before they jump into another one. This already existed before the previous one ended. I didn’t get that opportunity, so just try to understand, alright? I’m doing my best.”

“Are you saying you want a break?” Yamapi presses, grinding his teeth together. “We can do that. If you need it,” he croaks, rubbing his temples, trying to keep calm. This is about Kame, not him. Kame’s right, he needs some time and understanding right now. He can’t just _switch_ all of sudden. “I don’t want it but if that’s what you need then we can –”

“I _don’t_ ,” Kame groans. “That’s not what I meant. I’m in _this_ relationship now, Yamapi, don’t doubt that. It’s just that… We started out as different people,” he sighs and sits down on the kitchen chair, burying his face in his hands. He looks shameful and burdened. “I was different. Jin… he was a part of me, you know? He belonged to my identity, the feelings I had for him, who I was with him. It was the true me, or something like that,” he gasps, removing his hands and looking at him darkly. “My identity’s just sort of fucked up now, you know. I don’t know myself. I don’t understand myself. I need to rebuild nearly _everything_.”

It’s painful to hear him say it. It feels weird that Kame’s going through something as radical and bizarre as what he’s describing. He thinks he’s going out of his mind too as he walks his way over to Kame and crushes him into a desperate hug. If only their worries were to dissolve so easily.

“You’re still the same person,” he tells Kame surely and pecks the corner of his eye to assure him. Kame’s breathing is heavy and anxious and his eyelids slide shut as he relaxes in Yamapi’s hold. “You’re still you. You’ve still got the best of you left. You’ll get the hang of it all soon. Just wait,” he croaks and hears Kame drawing in a shaky breath. “He can’t take all of that away from you.”

“I feel like I’m changing,” Kame mumbles, his lips quivering against Yamapi’s earlobe. “It’s like a whole new start without him, a whole new world. It’s quite frightening. Sometimes it just feels wrong.”

“It isn’t wrong,” Yamapi assures him and pulls him into a hasty kiss. It’s only then that he realises he’s breathless and close to tears too. “This world, it isn’t wrong at all. You’re just scared of it. You’re scared of all the possibilities. You’re scared this might be where you actually belong.”

Kame clings to him, gasping for air to keep himself from breaking into tears. His fingers are clenching Yamapi’s hair and tugging on it painfully as Yamapi embraces him. It’s a scary moment, like they’re forced to stay still in a situation like this forever.

“I might not belong in here,” Kame finally notes, his voice shaky and uncertain. “This might not be my place after all. You can’t know that.”

It’s then that Yamapi frighteningly realises that maybe he’s caged in this relationship just like Kame used to be in his previous one.

\--

Eventually, things get better. Life goes on and Yamapi gets back in contact with the friends he’s got in common with Jin. Some voice out their disapproval for both of their ruthless actions but refuse to take side in the matter. A few he falls out of touch with, though. He guesses it’s the prize he has to pay for his actions.

The relationship he shares with Kame sometimes feels like dancing on thin ice, though. He does his best to nurture it back to health, give Kame the support he needs and remind himself this isn’t how it’s always going to be. Sometimes it works. Sleep already comes easier now for both of them when they’re wrapped in each other’s arms, and their sex life occasionally sparks up again. It’s much less often than what it used to be, but the desire isn’t entirely dead which feels promising. Things could be worse. It’s all slowly getting back on track.

The best thing they’ve achieved by breaking free of Jin’s shackles is peacefully spending time together outdoors. They hit the movies once but manage to miss most of the plot while having a somewhat serious popcorn fight and making out in the back row, hidden by the darkness. Afterwards they decide to just keep to touring things that keep them more active and taking silly pictures in purikura booths.

It’s been a month since Jin’s final disappearance when they make plans with Ryo to meet up in the familiar little bar to enjoy amateur music and catch up. Kame invites one of his best friends too, someone named Koki, but he has to cancel after partying too hard the previous night. 

“Can’t stand the smell of alcohol right now,” Kame sighs apologetically as he informs Yamapi about it. Yamapi knows the feeling and doesn’t press it. There will always be a second time.

They take a free table quite close to the stage with their drinks in their hands to wait for Ryo. Yamapi sends him a teasing text with a few silly emoticons and smirks at Kame who clangs their glasses together and chuckles a “Cheers!” under his breath. They discuss Kame’s plans on getting an evening job to increase his income so that he can properly take part in paying for his part of the rent. Yamapi isn’t very fond of the idea but he can understand Kame’s point. He’d hate to live off his boyfriend’s money too.

“I’ve turned in a few applications to a few bars,” Kame tells him, stirring his daiquiri with his straw. “It’s not exactly a dream job, I know, but most restaurants don’t stay open very late. My working history isn’t particularly flattering either,” he shrugs, looking quite bothered about it. “I’ll see if any of them even want me. If not, I’ll find something else. Or at least I hope so.”

“Hmm,” Yamapi nods and claps his hands to the aspiring young man who’s just finished up his quirky little love song with his acoustic guitar and a microphone on stage. The man, probably barely legal too, bows deeply with a radiant smile and jumps off the stage, paying no heed for the small stairs at the end of it. Kame chuckles amusedly and takes a sip from his drink, eyeing the door for Ryo who still hasn’t turned up.

Yamapi turns his head to see the next performer get on the stage. He feels the blood in his veins freezing as he recognizes the familiar messy black curls and a neat black suit over an eye-catching yellow dress shirt. He remembers vibrantly laughing at the colour, remembers pursed lips and shrieks of defence his friend used to have for it.

Kame falls silent apart from the slight heaviness in his breathing. He looks pained with his brow slightly furrowed and eyes simultaneously widened and narrowed, gaze averting just a bit. His knuckles have turned white with the iron grip he has on his glass and Yamapi wants to just stand up and whisper at him that it’s alright and they can just leave now, because who really cares about Ryo. That everything is alright.

Instead, he turns his head and takes in the sight of his former best friend on the piano seat, cracking his fingers nervously like he always does out of habit before he begins to play. He stretches his fingers wide and lays them gently on the keyboard, feeling the form of the keys beneath his fingertips. Jin’s head is slightly bowed and his dark fringe is covering his eyes. His mouth is pressed into a tight line and he looks like there are some kind of iron shackles wrapped around his chest, constricting his breathing.

Yamapi can’t help but wonder what awful things love really does to people. He turns his gaze to Kame again – the man’s legs are starting to fidget nervously as his eyes scan Jin up and down. Yamapi tries to reach for his hand squeezing the drink and Kame’s eyes snap back from the stage and he flinches. There’s a wild look in his eyes and he lets go of the glass with only a small brush of Yamapi’s hand.

His gaze feels accusing, like he’s done something wrong, which he is very sure he hasn’t. It melts away soon though and turns into panicky confusion as his eyes snap back at the stage where Jin has moved, pressed the first keys of the piano keyboard. A low tone echoes dangerously. Melancholy, depression, endless moroseness. It’s followed by a few higher notes, still melancholy and pained.

Yamapi can’t remember Jin playing like this in a long time. Hasn’t heard this particular piece ever, either. It is unfamiliar and threatening, making Yamapi feel like he’s come into some sort of enlightening of the bad things in life and how everything from now on will go downhill faster than he can hold on.

There’s a silence, a quiet echo. Kame draws in a shaky breath. His hand falls on his lap as he glares at the stage. Yamapi can’t tell what he’s feeling – he isn’t sure if Kame knows either, other than that he’s in pain and it’s Jin’s presence’s fault, the fault of him and his stupid piano.

It feels like the silence never ends. Yamapi’s eyes snap at Jin again and he’s just about to get up and drag Kame with him before the song continues, before Jin starts playing with keys high and cold like frost and raindrops, disbelieving yet very well aware, alone, betrayed and abandoned. Guilt creeps over Yamapi with the melancholy melody, two fingers playing back and forth and switching while the horrible echo of something desperate rises from the background.

Kame’s eyes gloss over when the song processes into something stronger, bolder, with more mid keys adding to the desperation the song transmits. It slows down again and then Jin picks the speed back up – he’s talented, has always been, unlike any other pianist Yamapi has ever come across during his lifetime. Kame’s breathing echoes hoarsely as he moves his hand in front of his mouth.

Yamapi doesn’t like it. He dislikes Kame’s reaction, dislikes the sudden weakness the man shows. He’s always been strong and unyielding, masculine with little room for undeserved compassion and love he cannot put under control. Still, there he is – listening as the first tear falls, taking in the dance Jin’s fingers undergo on the keyboard and his feet build up on the pedals.

Falling silences, building up emotions, little swirls created by melody, a higher note here and a lower there. There’s a lump in Yamapi’s throat that he can’t swallow away as he watches his friend rocking on his cushioned seat, hair moving along with his body and fingers playing like they’re stiff and shaky yet very much alive and controlled.

Kame’s trying to swallow back his tears, not particularly eager to cry in public. Yamapi glances at him and feels his first tears falling as well – he thinks he knows already how this is going to end. He can feel it in the air, see it on Jin’s beaten posture and Kame’s glossy cheeks where the teardrops reflect the light from the lamps.

After a never-ending silence foreshadowing the end, Jin’s fingers still play a short sequence of high notes like a prickled heart unable to grasp the light again and there it comes – the ending note. His fingers still rest on the keyboard though and Yamapi notices that nearly everyone is listening and watching him, he’s gotten the attention of the full room with his heartfelt song.

There’s applause. Starts quietly from the stools on the counter and spreads across the room. No whistles, no yells, just applause. Jin raises his head and scans the room. His eyes stop at Kame and his lips press together tightly again to contain a massive wave of emotion.

“Thank you,” he finally mumbles, voice hoarse like he would’ve been smoking cigarettes and drinking whiskey nonstop for the last two weeks, not to mention crying his heart out. It sends shivers down Yamapi’s spine. He’s never seen Jin like this, and they’ve known each other since childhood.

“This song…” Jin continues, his gaze lowering a little as he thinks of what to say – Jin never was as skilled with speech as he was with music. Usually he doesn’t speak when he plays, apart from the thankful acknowledgements of the applauses he receives. Usually people aren’t interested enough to listen. Even now many are already falling back to their conversations, but many are still watching him. And he’s talking.

Jin’s gaze drifts away to the wall on the right and he takes a deep breath. Then he dares to look back at Kame, searching for confirmation. Kame’s staring back like he’s about to get shot to death and it scares Yamapi. He’s gone white like a sheet.

“Some time ago I got separated from someone important,” Jin speaks again, trying not to take too much time and get booed out of stage after a wonderful performance. There’s a teary look in his eyes and his facial muscles are strained, but otherwise he keeps himself composed. “While thinking back to everything… I just felt like this had to be said,” he nods shyly, slightly afraid of the crowd. “It’s called _I Do_. Because… I still do,” he lets out a miserable, short laugh and licks his lips. “Thank you for listening,” he still adds before bowing. There’s another round of applause as he comes down from the stage, a quieter one but still one.

Kame stands up on his feet with a creek of his chair. Yamapi gulps and stares at him, shaking his head a little – _no_. Please.

“I’m sorry,” Kame apologizes with a hoarse croak. Jin’s standing beside the wall near the little stairs leading to the stage. He looks desperate too, desperate to believe but scared to because there’s no promise of the desired outcome. Yamapi wonders how he knew they would be there. How he got the courage to show up like that, not to bitch and moan but to actually play from his heart.

Maybe he should’ve done that right from the start then.

Kame’s walking already, pushing through the people, stairs and tables, eyes locked with Jin’s. Yamapi draws in a shaky breath as he watches his receding back. Jin doesn’t spare him a glance, too busy standing frozen and staring at Kame. Someone whistles from somewhere and there’s a lot of whispering and laughter, some booing and disgusted, demeaning yells speaking words of homophobia – others must’ve noticed too.

Some are looking at him too, whispering. He must look like a loser here with Kame just walking away like that. He wonders if he looks like Kame’s friend or a new date. Probably like a date with the wet lashes he has. He stands up too, ready to walk out.

Kame and Jin collide and embrace each other strongly, clinging to each other like they’re out of oxygen and they can only acquire it in each other’s arms. Their faces are hidden in each other’s hair and neck. They’re trembling together, finally brought together to end the pain. Yamapi tries to speed up his steps to get the fuck out because he doesn’t want to see this. How the fuck did Jin even time this? Did he _know_ they’d be here? Did Ryo tell him? Was this whole meeting just a scam, a granted opportunity for Jin to set things right again, never mind him? The reality is quickly hitting him and his vision is blurring while he grows angry and broken, hands shaking and balance weakened by alcohol and loss.

So, this must be something alike to what Jin went through because of him. Now he sure as hell knows that it hurts. The difference is that Jin deserved it, treating Kame the way he did, cheating and lying and speaking lowly of him without a care. He didn’t. He actually would’ve deserved the love he nurtured. But no. Love doesn’t work like that, not when a heart has been given away already.

The piano plays in his head as he pushes through the doors to the streets and pushes his fists in his pockets as he half runs his way towards home, unable to even completely acknowledge the crowd around him apart from the choking feeling they only worsen.

It’s what he deserves for stealing his best friend’s boyfriend, he assumes bitterly as he finally starts shedding tears without even making it home in time.

\--

Kame doesn’t contact him again. There are no phone calls, no text messages and no visits. It feels ridiculous to think how quickly everything can change. Just a few months back he was an ordinary man with an ordinary life – he hanged out with his friends and had a crush on the cashier of a café he frequently visited. Now, though, he doesn’t really have many friends willing to offer him sympathy and his short-time boyfriend has deserted him to go back to his cheating ex. Apathy starts colouring his life.

Yamapi holds on to the pole as the metro surges through the tunnel, insistent on throwing him off balance. He studies his own reflection in the window, how blank his face really is. He’s like one of those faceless business men, except that he’s not really one.

He wonders how long it’ll take until he starts feeling better again. What does it really take to feel alive, and is it even achievable anymore? He doesn’t feel particularly close with anyone. Even the children at work can’t get more than a fake smile out of him, even though he really tries. It’s just that he’s lost and confused with no direction as to where to head to.

The metro makes a stop and people get off and on. The quantity of humans makes him feel quite insignificant. He wonders if the faith of one individual can push off the whole system. It probably can, at least somewhat. Not in his case, though, because he isn’t some mindless terrorist.

He catches a messy bun of black hair pulled back from a man’s face. His chest feels tight as he observes the person, studies the familiar features until the man happens to turn his face and stare right at him, eyes wide from surprise.

Yamapi wishes it wouldn’t hurt so much. He wishes he could read the man, but he can’t. He doubts the man can even read himself. Probably not properly, judging by his expression. He turns his head away, because he doesn’t want to pick up a fight in here. It’s better that they try to keep their breathing calm and deny each other’s existence until one of them has to get off.

Jin fidgets anxiously from afar. Yamapi gulps, studying him from the reflection in the window. He misses him. Thinks about all the years they’ve spent together, all the secrets they’ve shared and childish tantrums they’ve thrown. Being apart still feels surreal.

Then Jin moves, heads over. He’s apologizing to the people he accidentally bumps against as the metro jolts and makes his balance wobbly. Yamapi draws in a deeper breath to stay calm. He wonders what Jin wants – is he about to pick up a fight, humiliate him or what? He wishes he knew so that he could prepare himself for it and shake off the hope of making up.

It’s him who should be apologizing, after all.

Jin’s hand grabs the pole right above his and Yamapi looks up, embracing himself for the worst. Jin’s gulping though. He looks hesitant and desperate, slightly stiff from straining himself to cross the distance between them but his aura isn’t intimidating. He doesn’t even look angry. It’s confusing.

“Hello.”

Yamapi’s heart skips a beat as he stares up at his friend. They bump against each other a little as the metro makes a turn. Lights of a station flash by and then there’s a halt, a stop. Not their station, though. They’ve still got time.

It feels like a whole new start between them. A simple ‘hello’, a friendly approach. Yamapi licks his lips nervously, a habit he’s picked up from somewhere but he can’t quite place it. He feels like he’s lost his voice, but he’s quick to force it back. He wants this.

“Hello,” he answers. Neither of them is turning their gaze away. Weeks ago this kind of encounter would’ve been different – they would’ve probably bumped fists and started chattering loudly, laughing about everything. Maybe they would’ve stopped at McDonalds for a meal too. Just so that they could hang out a bit longer.

More people get on the metro and it becomes more crowded. Yamapi tries to grin and Jin answers hesitantly. It’s not all natural, but it’s coming back. Jin doesn’t look like he’s carrying a vengeance.

Yamapi starts wondering if their friendship could still bear fruit. If there’s still hope for them.

“I’m hungry~” Jin breaks his train of thoughts. His voice is a bit shaky and wobbly but he’s trying to get his old tone back. It’s annoying but funny and Yamapi’s smile probably starts reaching his eyes a little too. Their hands on the pole brush against each other. “I think I’ll go and grab something to eat. Wanna join me?”

His stomach growls just at the right time. Jin chuckles a bit and he grins back. He thinks he’s finding his smile again. There must be hope for them. Jin isn’t that good of an actor. Yamapi would never be fooled by him.

“I want a Big Mac,” he accepts the offer. He hasn’t felt this happy in weeks. “And big fries.”

“And a McFlurry,” Jin continues, gaining confidence too. “With M&M’s.”

Yamapi doesn’t know what to talk about. There isn’t anything to say, there’s nothing to tell. He knows Jin’s been with Kame and he doesn’t really want to talk about that so he can’t even ask how his friend has been doing since they’ve been apart. Still, somehow the conversation goes on almost naturally as they get off a few stations later and wander towards the nearest McDonalds. No one mentions their last meeting – they talk about the weather, savings, clothes and old memories.

They’re inseparable, Yamapi knows. If anything proves it, it’s this. They snicker at the line which surprisingly isn’t very long even though the place is crowded with very few seats left. They sit somewhere in the middle of the room near a fake plant, because all the window tables have already been reserved by other customers. It’s a new topic too, bitching about it. Maybe it’s good.

After the hamburgers they’re starting to run out of topics, though, and it becomes quieter. Yamapi licks the sauce off his fingers silently, hoping Jin will come up with something. Hoping this will work, that their try won’t be futile and their friendship forever ruined.

“I got a contract, by the way,” Jin finally mumbles, stirring his ice cream with the plastic spoon. Yamapi raises his gaze, observes him. It’s what he’s always wanted but never gotten – singers and bands might think they have it hard, but it’s nothing compared to plain pianists. Jin’s gotten a few conditional offers in the past, requiring him to sing too but he’s turned them down. It’s not that he can’t sing, but he thinks he can’t put his songs into words without ruining them. ‘Piano has its own language’, he had morosely mumbled to Yamapi back then. ‘People should just listen and respect that.’

“Congratulations,” Yamapi mumbles, still dumbfounded about the revelation. “You signed it? Is it good?”

“Just piano,” Jin nods. “It’s… nothing great, you know, I won’t make a living out of it, at least not for now. But I’ll get one album at least and I need to perform at some events. They also want to put up a webpage,” he nods, lips pursed in thought. “So that people could make reservations for me. That’s not very artist-like so I’m a bit… But it’s good.” He smiles a bit. Yamapi wonders if he understands his luck either, if he’s fully internalized what’s going on.

Yamapi’s proud of him. He deserves it. They say cheers and raise their McFlurries before taking a spoonful. Yamapi’s stomach feels engorged – he’s not used to eating this much at once anymore. He hasn’t had much of an appetite lately.

“How did you get the contract?” he picks up the conversation again, taking another spoonful. Jin grimaces a little and Yamapi wonders if this goes to the area of things-they-should-not-discuss-right-now. They have to get over it sometime, though. He thinks he’s ready. “That night?”

“Not exactly,” Jin nods, stirring his McFlurry anxiously again. “There was a recording company representative there but he chose not to disturb. He kept asking the bartender about who I was though and if I came around often. They didn’t know my name or address though, so… Well, I was there again maybe a week ago and the guy spotted me and came over. Pure luck,” he shrugs.

If someone is blessed with miracles, it’s Jin, Yamapi knows. It’s not only that, though – he’s got the skill to deserve what he gets.

“Congratulations,” Yamapi repeats, and he honestly means it. He’d take his friend out for a drink, but he doubts he can stomach anything right now after their meal. Maybe some other time. Besides, Jin must’ve celebrated the contract already with others. He’s a bit late.

“I wanted to thank you,” Jin finally splutters, though, making Yamapi’s muscles tense. Jin isn’t good at keeping silent; he doesn’t follow etiquette very well. It hurts sometimes, but Jin doesn’t want to leave things unsaid. He hates regretting not saying them later. “For everything, you know. You were a fucking asshole and I hate you for that, but… I guess you had your point. And you made me realise things. So thank you.”

“Don’t thank me,” Yamapi snorts, his smile gone. His arms feel heavy and there’s a prickling feeling in them as the apathy tries to creep back. Kame’s back in his head, holding his face close and kissing him tenderly. He shouldn’t be thinking about it. “I don’t deserve any thanks.”

“If it hadn’t been for you,” Jin gulps anxiously, a lump in his throat making his voice hoarse, “I never would’ve learned to fully appreciate what I have. I wouldn’t have understood that… that it might all be gone one day, you know?” He laughs hollowly and his eyes are a bit wide and panicky. It hurts to see him like that. “He just… he was always there, you know, no matter what.”

“Hmm,” Yamapi agrees. He reflects back to Kame anxiously sitting on a chair by his dining table, attempting to explain himself. He thinks of him in the car, crying, screaming at Jin through the window, obviously in pain. He still can’t understand how Jin could do that. He wonders if he ever can, no matter how much he tries to explain himself.

“…Did you love him?” Jin asks more quietly, his tone hesitant. Always so straightforward and honest like a little child. Yamapi tilts his head a little in wonder, even though he knows the answer.

“Yes,” he finally answers and takes another spoonful of his ice cream to hide the bitterness. Jin looks sorry and pitying, the friend he’s had by his side many times when he’s been rejected or broke up with someone. It’s different now, though. It wasn’t just anyone. It was Jin’s boyfriend, which makes everything so wrong. “I did.”

“…I love him too,” Jin finally answers quietly, looking at him deep in the eyes. “I’ve loved him since I was young.”

“We’re not that old yet,” Yamapi snorts and waves his hand to lighten Jin’s confession. “Don’t be silly.”

“I love him,” Jin croaks, attempts to explain why _he_ should be with Kame and Yamapi shouldn’t. Yamapi needs to understand this, to do it for him. Jin was first and he’s useless without Kame, helpless. He’s asking for Yamapi to let him have the love they both share. It’s a lot to ask, especially after everything he’s done. Maybe that’s the reason why he’s so desperate. “It needs to be him. It just does. So… I’m not… You know, I’ll be open with the whole thing now?” he tries to explain, breathing speeding up. “I won’t cheat. I’ll treat him well. I’ll make up for everything, even if it takes the rest of my life. I’ll make it up for him. I’ll make it worth all the pain.”

“I know you will,” Yamapi agrees. He detects the wild look in Jin’s eyes – he’s still unsure, _so unsure_ if he ever can do what he so desperately wants. If his speech isn’t an impossible task.

“So thank you,” Jin still gulps, putting his unfinished ice cream away. Yamapi does the same and they just look each other, both thinking hard if this can work out or not. If they have the strength to face each other’s lives and place their trust on each other again.

After a long consideration, Yamapi thinks he can. He thinks he really can. He smiles a bit and Jin nods. They understand each other. It’s what years spent together do. They get up on their feet and Jin walks right next to him, their shoulder lightly brushing as they head outside where it’s already getting dark. The dusk is nearly gone.

“You’re my best friend,” Jin notes, looking somewhere far in the distance, past all the lights, cars and people. Yamapi bites his lip. It’s all coming back to him again. His friends really are right – he thinks too much.

“Likewise,” he answers. They bump fists without smiling, without even looking at each other.

The world stands still. His future feels a little less hopeless now. He can finally breathe again.

\--

His world is settling back on its tracks. It’s not perfect, far from it, but he can finally feel the ground under his feet. It’s all coming back in small but sure doses, which is more than he could’ve ever asked for. His life won’t end, even after everything that happened.

The world still feels incomplete though, things left hanging unfinished. He walks past display windows of already closed clothing stores and lets the ruckus of the Tokyo nightlife flood his senses. Lights, colours, sounds of traffic, people… the smell of food.

He jogs down the rocky stairs towards the underground, ready to go home and sleep off another long day. He takes a ticket from his wallet and passes the barriers before heading towards the right platform. It’s the furthest one and there’s no one else walking on the long passage.

At least he never detected anyone before he turns around the corner and is met by familiar ripped denim jeans hugging a man’s hips beautifully. He feels the world speeding up because _Kame is walking_ , walking away from him without even noticing, absorbed in his own on-going world.

“Kame,” he croaks helplessly, heart pounding painfully. “Kame, wait!”

Kame turns his head around, sees him and stops in his tracks. His pink tongue nervously wets his lower lip as he properly turns around and removes his earplugs. He neatly rolls the wire as Yamapi heads closer, pulled in by the younger man’s presence again.

“Hello,” Kame greets him. He sounds a bit hesitant too but he’s still warm and inviting – he just seems to value personal space more than before. Yamapi doesn’t answer as he stops before the man, feeling breathless. Kame awkwardly slips his music player in the bag he’s carrying.

His heart beats faster and breath mists in the tunnel. Kame’s looking at him too. He looks a bit chilly but his jacket seems thick enough to protect him from the cold. It’s good. Very good.

He knows it’s now or never as he looks into Kame’s eyes. He looks like he knows it too, probably because he never answered the greeting. He isn’t backing away, though – Kame prefers to keep things clear with no misunderstandings left hanging.

Yamapi draws a breath to gather the much needed courage for his final leap of faith. “I think I’m in love with you,” he confesses. Jin isn’t here; it’s just the two of them now. The dim light paints the high features of Kame’s face fluorescent white. He looks apathetic while Yamapi clings to hope, his last desperate attempt to hold on to what they had created.

He searches for confirmation in Kame’s eyes. The man doesn’t look away, nor does he budge. He stands still, trying to dress up his answer into words he can speak. It’s going to be his last choice, there won’t be another offer. This is it.

“I’m in love with you, Kame,” Yamapi repeats, his tone certain and pushy. Kame draws in a deep breath and crosses his arms. He shifts his weight and Yamapi thinks he knows Kame’s answer, has known it all along. The man’s brow is furrowed, but he doesn’t look like he even needs time to consider.

His attempts have probably been close to futile all along.

“I’m sorry.” He truly sounds sorry, like he has done something he regrets. He’s led Yamapi on, he’s thought that maybe they could make it work despite everything. He’s pulled his head down from the clouds, though, unlike him. He’s standing steadily on the ground, and there isn’t even a hint of hesitation as he voices out his choice. “I like you. It’s just… I can’t love you like that,” he admits and bows his head a little in apology. “I could never love you like that.”

He doesn’t cry, and he’s pretty goddamn proud about that. He manages to hold on to his masculinity as he grimaces and fights hard to keep his breathing even. He doesn’t fail that badly at it either – he’s breathing maybe a bit too heavily, but he’s calm. He’s taking it well. He faces his one-sided love like it was just any love, like there are many others out there just waiting for him. There are too, he knows. He just isn’t sure if they’ll be anything like this.

“Are you alright?” Kame still checks with him. He’s concerned and he’s sorry, because he’s played his part in this mess, the most vital part too, perhaps. Yamapi mutters something affirming. He’s not so bad, not really. He’s had weeks to think about this after all.

“I just wanted to say it,” he finally notes, trying to bring a hint of humour to his tone. “There’s nothing to lose anymore by saying it, is there? Now I can maybe move on, since I finally have an answer from you.”

Kamenashi nods. He looks stiff and worried but Yamapi grins at him a bit and ruffles his hair because who knows if he can ever do that again with the history they share. Yamapi thinks Jin will always have that tiny speck of uncertainty about their relationship.

He’s got his friend back, though, so it’s all good. There’s no more pain, no more secrets. And this feeling, too, will someday just be a memory.

“I’ll go now,” he announces, voice steady, even if it lacks the light tone he’d like it to have. “We’ll be seeing each other. And… I’m glad you’re happier now,” he admits with a small and sad smile. “He’s not what he used to be.”

“Thank you for that,” Kame nods, smiling back to him. His smile isn’t wide either, it’s probably difficult to stay happy whilst seeing him in this condition. It’s not good manners to babble happily about a successful relationship after turning down someone.

There’s a tiny sparkle in his eyes, though, and he really does look happy. He’s getting everything he ever wanted after eight long and painful years. Yamapi can’t hate him for that.

He waves his hand and turns around to walk away. His steps echo. Kame’s don’t, he’s still standing. He probably will be until he’s gone. Everything feels slow and significant as if time wouldn’t flow properly.

This is it. The final scene in their unsuccessful love story. His head is spinning and he feels lightheaded as he follows the empty corridor lit by long fluorescent lights. This place isn’t meant for love. His life is turning, flipping upside down so that he hardly feels the ground under his feet.

He doesn’t look back though. Someday he’ll be over this. He knows it.

There’s no way this feeling can last forever.


End file.
